Hello Ladies,
Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.
The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.
The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.
The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.
Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).
So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.
Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator
Monday 8 December 2008
Monday 1 December 2008
All I want for Christmas is Mila Kunis 2 CD's...
Dear Santa,
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
Wednesday 5 November 2008
I Like Change, It Pays for Coffee
Well, well, well. Or should I say. "Yes, We, Can". Or maybe "Change, Change, Change". Or even "Block That Kick." The message may change, but the syllables remain. O-Bam-A. This is what it feels like to be proud of your country, to be part of an historic event, to have hope...
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
Tuesday 7 October 2008
Move Over Tom Cruise's Character in Cocktail, Here Comes The Opinionator
So I'm going to Hollywood. The west is calling, and the Opinionator will answer the phone (unless he's sitting quite comfortably outside of phone answering range). While the east coast has been home to a lot of memories i.e. the first opinionator blog, and that one about the facebirthday, and that other one about superficial woman ranking, the west coast holds the key to the door that leads through the entrance room past the guest bathroom through the kitchen and into the living room of success. And success, my friends, will be found in the form of a bartender.
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
Monday 8 September 2008
Sand Cassells and Hype Dreams
Late round draft pick from a big time school. California born and bred. Promising size and skills, but demoted to back-up for most of his college career. Better career numbers in his senior year of high school than in college and the NFL combined. Never started a meaningful game in his life. Just waiting for his chance to step up and take the reigns on a team with an established star, and in one heart-stopping moment, he's thrust into the spotlight.
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Monday 25 August 2008
Back for the Medal Round
Ahhhh the 29th Olympiad. While I preferred the 3rd and the 17th myself, the 29th (or XXIX in letter-numbers) had its moments. The Opinionator found several athletes in particular that displayed the admirable qualities of a champion, and of their countries. Jamaican sprinter Usain "Lightening Drill" Bolt solidified his place on the 2010 Jamaican bobsled team by running a 1.9235 second 220 ft. race (or something like that...The Opinionator was too busy imitating his victory pose to get the numbers quite right). Angel Valodia Matos of Cuba showed the restraint and poise of a "perfect on paper" nation by politely kicking his Tae Kwon Doe official in the face after being disqualified. After years of painfully long hours and merciless training, Michael Phelps claimed gold in 8 individual camera shots (including the emotional "my teammates almost blew the relay" shot and the tear jerking "I can't believe I almost lost because I got water in my goggles" slo-mo). Even the host country jumped on board, aided by a new scoring system that adds points for difficulty, subtracts points for mistakes, and awards medals for prepubescence, taking the gold in the under-12 gymnastics all-around medals.
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Saturday 10 May 2008
Finding Nemo
Why did God give us two ears? Trick question. God voted to go with two extra mouths so that we could sing his praises while playing the harmonica and making out with Molly Popular. Unfortunately, he got vetoed, and we were forced to pursue single-mouthed activities instead. To punish us for ruining God's plan for three part harmony solo's, he invented things like Foreign Languages, Karaoke, and Nemo Music to offend our auditory receptors...and personally, I would rather listen to a Spaniard singing Sweet Caroline on Tuesday nights than Nemo Music.
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Wait. Haven't We Been Winning for All of This Decade? Because I Think We Have!
The last few days haven't been the easiest for The Opinionator. My life hasn't exactly been "difficult" per say, but I have struggled to pull myself out of couch in the morning. I keep hearing words like ambition, and motivation, but I really can't be bothered to look the definition of either of them up so I find myself disambitioned and demotivated. What could cause this uncharacteristic lull in my exciting, wish you could be me, life? Well it's not a what...It's a who. Or to be more specific...a who (plural).
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
Monday 28 April 2008
Wednesday 16 April 2008
Reality Televised
8:00 am: America's Next Great Chef
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Friday 11 April 2008
Happy Facebirthday
Well the culmination of facebook popularity is right around the corner. That's right, it is almost The Opinionator's facebirthday. The facenotification is small (click and you'll miss it), but in the corner of your facehome page, you'll be reminded that your facefriend will be celebrating his life's anniversary within the next three days. What does this facemean to you? It means you need to decide how important our facefriendship is. If you're concerned that three days isn't nearly enough time to evaluate a relationship, not to mention find the corresponding gesture to exemplify your feelings, than you are clearly unaware of The Opinionator's two favorite past times: Simplifying emotion and making lists.
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
Monday 7 April 2008
Fantasy Baseball
Do you remember the first time you got to first base? Of course you do, and for most of you this memory took place away from the baseball field, unless the only place with some privacy happened to be the high school parking lot. Same goes for your first trip to second, third, and hopefully the first time you scored. Whether you've played baseball or not, odds are you've found yourself at the plate, trying to figure out a way to get in the game. Luckily for you, The Opinionator has a play by play game-plan to get you on base instead of constantly striking out.
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
Wednesday 2 April 2008
I Got a Fever, and the Only Remedy is Environmental Change
April showers bring an end to my ski season...I'm sweating through my shirt. Speaking of supermarkets, never shop for a girl on an empty stomach or eat dates during a dry spell. You'll either find yourself in the can or on the can. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Talon Crayola).
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
Sunday 30 March 2008
Ice Ice Baby
March...in like a lion, out like a frigid ice queen. I can't feel my feet. Speaking of supermarkets, never go shopping on an empty stomach...or dating during a dry spell. Either way, you end up settling for something that you regret before your next meal. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Sleeve Frozen).
Back to my feet. I've done some post midnight driving the past few nights and found myself likening the experience to trying to survive if (when?) locked in a walk-in freezer. I found myself cursing the situation, hoping the fire in my words would somehow melt away the desire to defrost my head in a microwave. After two minutes, my repertoire of four letter words running thin, and the buggering wanker of a cold front that was my situation refusing to yield, I finally subscribed to the Clinton theory that words are meaningless, and the climate is not a change you can xerox.
Next it was a series of poorly thought out, short term solutions highlighted by pulling my cotton sleeves an inch and a half closer to my finger tips while keeping my head in the chin-tucked safety position and doing my best to imitate a retarded turtle; trying to simultaneously to be an observant driver while fighting the desire to take refuge in my shell. Combine that with the start/stop style of driving that comes with testing range of motion in my lower digits and I've got an additional 4-7 minutes of a slightly uncomfortable battle against hypothermia. By the time I've succumb to my fate, the only comfort being the fact that my hallucinations are getting real enough not to care, the heat sputters on and I start to feel the effects of modern technology. Unfortunately, three minutes later I'm de-layering in the sauna I've created and putting the car into park as I've reached my destination.
My point is simple. Any drowning Polar Bears are more than welcome to chauffeur me and my friends around from October through April. I know what the hippies say, that global warming and climate change are raising sea levels, destroying natural resources, and changing life as we know it, but all I know is it's colder than a deaf, blind kid on an Easter egg hunt (GETTING COLDER TIMMY!), and I could use a little global warming at some point.
Just kidding...That's not all I know.
Andrew
Climatolologist and The Opinionator
Back to my feet. I've done some post midnight driving the past few nights and found myself likening the experience to trying to survive if (when?) locked in a walk-in freezer. I found myself cursing the situation, hoping the fire in my words would somehow melt away the desire to defrost my head in a microwave. After two minutes, my repertoire of four letter words running thin, and the buggering wanker of a cold front that was my situation refusing to yield, I finally subscribed to the Clinton theory that words are meaningless, and the climate is not a change you can xerox.
Next it was a series of poorly thought out, short term solutions highlighted by pulling my cotton sleeves an inch and a half closer to my finger tips while keeping my head in the chin-tucked safety position and doing my best to imitate a retarded turtle; trying to simultaneously to be an observant driver while fighting the desire to take refuge in my shell. Combine that with the start/stop style of driving that comes with testing range of motion in my lower digits and I've got an additional 4-7 minutes of a slightly uncomfortable battle against hypothermia. By the time I've succumb to my fate, the only comfort being the fact that my hallucinations are getting real enough not to care, the heat sputters on and I start to feel the effects of modern technology. Unfortunately, three minutes later I'm de-layering in the sauna I've created and putting the car into park as I've reached my destination.
My point is simple. Any drowning Polar Bears are more than welcome to chauffeur me and my friends around from October through April. I know what the hippies say, that global warming and climate change are raising sea levels, destroying natural resources, and changing life as we know it, but all I know is it's colder than a deaf, blind kid on an Easter egg hunt (GETTING COLDER TIMMY!), and I could use a little global warming at some point.
Just kidding...That's not all I know.
Andrew
Climatolologist and The Opinionator
Friday 28 March 2008
Boys Are Mean, Throw Rocks at Them
The Opinionator is no stranger to the ladies. In fact, he is quite familiar with them, often times texting them or even calling them by their first name. He also sees them walking down the street or driving in their cars (yes, women can legally obtain a licence) all the time. In fact, one might say that, with the exception of Hillary Clinton, and 3 out of 4 ex-girlfriends, the Opinonator is quite woman friendly. (Due to privacy requests, the ex-girlfriends will remain nameless. Except Kim...she was a bitch.)
You can imagine my shock when I found out that I only see women as objects...sexual objects no less. Here I was, in a sterile bubble of lies and misconceptions, assuming that I enjoyed the company of women, being truly interested in their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and scores of other personality traits, when the fact is that I put on a superficial, sensitive exterior simply to get into that lacey, Victoria Secret interior. This awakening has taken me aback, and with the understanding that realizations generally hit me about a decade or so earlier than they do my avid, yet uptake inhibited readers, I feel like I must devote a solid 10-12 minutes strictly toward the opposite sex.
First of all, I found some fem-in-is-m books that really helped open my eyes to the atrocities I have committed against femininity (the -ity of being the superior sex according to the book). I realized that everything I do, no matter how benevolent the intentions may be, is a crime against all of womankind. Specific crimes include speaking to a woman, not speaking to a woman, looking at a woman, not looking at a woman, including, omitting, or second guessing a woman, thinking, not thinking, re-thinking, de-thinking, pre-thinking, or considering thinking about a woman, and ANYTHING involving the junior prom after-party and a video camera.
Now I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to interact with a woman while still respecting her as a feminine goddess? The answer is simple. You can't! As a man who respects women, you must never subject her to the insensitive jerk that lives inside all of us, and out of shame, you are forced to hide all emotion, no matter how sincere it is, to make sure your offensive nature does not pollute their atmosphere of purity. Otherwise, heartfelt affirmations will be taken as the sneaky, animalistic, pick up lines that are ingrained in our one-track minds, whether you want them to or not.
These may seem like fact-less, general assumptions, aligning an insensitive few with the good-natured many. You may feel like you can appreciate a woman's physical beauty, while admiring her intelligence, and embracing the contrast that you share as male and a female. It may seem like the right woman can complete you, supporting you when you're weak, sharing your accomplishments, and vastly improving your life just by being a part of it.
...That's because you're stupid...
Learn to deal with it.
Andrew
Certified Male Pig and Opinionator
You can imagine my shock when I found out that I only see women as objects...sexual objects no less. Here I was, in a sterile bubble of lies and misconceptions, assuming that I enjoyed the company of women, being truly interested in their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and scores of other personality traits, when the fact is that I put on a superficial, sensitive exterior simply to get into that lacey, Victoria Secret interior. This awakening has taken me aback, and with the understanding that realizations generally hit me about a decade or so earlier than they do my avid, yet uptake inhibited readers, I feel like I must devote a solid 10-12 minutes strictly toward the opposite sex.
First of all, I found some fem-in-is-m books that really helped open my eyes to the atrocities I have committed against femininity (the -ity of being the superior sex according to the book). I realized that everything I do, no matter how benevolent the intentions may be, is a crime against all of womankind. Specific crimes include speaking to a woman, not speaking to a woman, looking at a woman, not looking at a woman, including, omitting, or second guessing a woman, thinking, not thinking, re-thinking, de-thinking, pre-thinking, or considering thinking about a woman, and ANYTHING involving the junior prom after-party and a video camera.
Now I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to interact with a woman while still respecting her as a feminine goddess? The answer is simple. You can't! As a man who respects women, you must never subject her to the insensitive jerk that lives inside all of us, and out of shame, you are forced to hide all emotion, no matter how sincere it is, to make sure your offensive nature does not pollute their atmosphere of purity. Otherwise, heartfelt affirmations will be taken as the sneaky, animalistic, pick up lines that are ingrained in our one-track minds, whether you want them to or not.
These may seem like fact-less, general assumptions, aligning an insensitive few with the good-natured many. You may feel like you can appreciate a woman's physical beauty, while admiring her intelligence, and embracing the contrast that you share as male and a female. It may seem like the right woman can complete you, supporting you when you're weak, sharing your accomplishments, and vastly improving your life just by being a part of it.
...That's because you're stupid...
Learn to deal with it.
Andrew
Certified Male Pig and Opinionator
Sunday 23 March 2008
Sunday 16 March 2008
A Farewell to Farms
As I prepare for my long and arduous journey home, I find myself reflecting on time that I've spent in the United Kingdom of America. I leave the daughter land with a glowing sense of pride, having realized that my influence on this country has been immeasurable. Add this blossoming nation to the many places that The Opinionator's Midasian hand has purified.
Firstly, I'd like to recognize the profound and highly controversial effect I have had on English sport. Forget the fact that soccer has ruled this small island for hundreds of years. Within weeks of arriving in the region, I have managed to transform it into a football nation. Walk into any pub on a weekend and you will find it buzzing with football talk, football supporters, and football mind set. It was as if these people have been football supporters their whole lives, they were just waiting for the right bloke to set them free. You're Welcome.
I did not rest upon my laurels for too long, however. After conquering the world of sport, I immediately set forth upon the British Monetary System (BMS). The BMS has been rebelling from the European Union (EU) for the last 15 years, refusing to switch from Sterling (GBP) to the Euro (EURO). Well, change may be slow, but the process has been started. In less than 0.5/15ths of the time it took the EU to try and convince the BMS to change from GBP to EURO's, TO (The Opinionator) has managed to Get R Done (GRD). Instead of Euros however, Ive got them on the strongest currency in the Tri-Nation Super Power of The United States, Australia, and New Zealand. Find a boring 1 pence (p for short) piece on the ground? Well thanks to yours truly, you can now call it the way cooler "penny" (p for short). Don't mention it.
After shaping both sport and economics, I figured the next logical step was to turn my attention to politics. With the greatest democracy in the world as my guide, I have reshaped the British "system" of government. Knowing that the United Kingdom of America loves goofy names (Piccadilly, Stockton-upon-Trent, Beckham), I basically kept the roles and responsibilities the same, simply changing the names. For example, a good government has a head of state and a figurehead to make special appearances. In America, we have Vice President Cheney heading the state, and Mr. Bush making guest appearances. The U.K.A. will replace (Vice President) V.P. Cheney with (Minister Prime) M.P. Gordon Brown. The King of the World, Mr. Bush, will be replaced with the Queen of the Island, Miss Elizabeth Turner (or whatever her name is). Continuing in true form, the House of Representatives will be represented by the House of Lords, while the House of Commons will take the role of the Senate. Finally, the British Armed Forces will take the role of the highly regarded Girl Scouts of America, as they share similar values and skills already. While the citizens of The U.K.A. will have the power to vote, their vote will not affect the figurehead, and the head of state will at no time hold a majority approval rating, just like holme!
With these necessary changes in place, Great Britain will grow in the shadow of the United States, blossoming into the little brother of a world super power, and relying on association to ascend to great heights. Again Britmericans, no need at all to shower me with praise or thanks. It's the least I can do after drinking your beer and eating a large percentage of your country's Sticky Toffee Pudding (STP).
Cheers,
Andrew
Official Diplomat and The Opinionator
Firstly, I'd like to recognize the profound and highly controversial effect I have had on English sport. Forget the fact that soccer has ruled this small island for hundreds of years. Within weeks of arriving in the region, I have managed to transform it into a football nation. Walk into any pub on a weekend and you will find it buzzing with football talk, football supporters, and football mind set. It was as if these people have been football supporters their whole lives, they were just waiting for the right bloke to set them free. You're Welcome.
I did not rest upon my laurels for too long, however. After conquering the world of sport, I immediately set forth upon the British Monetary System (BMS). The BMS has been rebelling from the European Union (EU) for the last 15 years, refusing to switch from Sterling (GBP) to the Euro (EURO). Well, change may be slow, but the process has been started. In less than 0.5/15ths of the time it took the EU to try and convince the BMS to change from GBP to EURO's, TO (The Opinionator) has managed to Get R Done (GRD). Instead of Euros however, Ive got them on the strongest currency in the Tri-Nation Super Power of The United States, Australia, and New Zealand. Find a boring 1 pence (p for short) piece on the ground? Well thanks to yours truly, you can now call it the way cooler "penny" (p for short). Don't mention it.
After shaping both sport and economics, I figured the next logical step was to turn my attention to politics. With the greatest democracy in the world as my guide, I have reshaped the British "system" of government. Knowing that the United Kingdom of America loves goofy names (Piccadilly, Stockton-upon-Trent, Beckham), I basically kept the roles and responsibilities the same, simply changing the names. For example, a good government has a head of state and a figurehead to make special appearances. In America, we have Vice President Cheney heading the state, and Mr. Bush making guest appearances. The U.K.A. will replace (Vice President) V.P. Cheney with (Minister Prime) M.P. Gordon Brown. The King of the World, Mr. Bush, will be replaced with the Queen of the Island, Miss Elizabeth Turner (or whatever her name is). Continuing in true form, the House of Representatives will be represented by the House of Lords, while the House of Commons will take the role of the Senate. Finally, the British Armed Forces will take the role of the highly regarded Girl Scouts of America, as they share similar values and skills already. While the citizens of The U.K.A. will have the power to vote, their vote will not affect the figurehead, and the head of state will at no time hold a majority approval rating, just like holme!
With these necessary changes in place, Great Britain will grow in the shadow of the United States, blossoming into the little brother of a world super power, and relying on association to ascend to great heights. Again Britmericans, no need at all to shower me with praise or thanks. It's the least I can do after drinking your beer and eating a large percentage of your country's Sticky Toffee Pudding (STP).
Cheers,
Andrew
Official Diplomat and The Opinionator
Sunday 9 March 2008
I'm sorry, I'll have to consult the rankings
The Top Ten List is something that has been around since the human population reached 11. With so many possibilities at hand, it's the only logical way to prioritize emotion. It settles all disputes, legitimizes all decisions, simplifies all feelings. It really is the Swiss army knife of desire. Helping you to sculpt your feelings, cut loose ends, open up your heart, and screw...well i guess that one's pretty self explanatory.
Possibly the most outstanding characteristic of the TTL is that it is dynamic in nature. Stacey shut down your "could be funny, could be serious" facebook probe? No problem. We'll just bump her for Jess who recently broke up with her boyfriend, keeping in mind that Stacey is one drunk text away from shooting back up into the top five. Becky hasn't responded to your repeated voicemails (or emails, or letters, or sticky notes)? No worries my friend, she was always trying to give you those grapes that you're sure were sour, and you didnt' really like her anyway.
The TTL is especially good for keeping your priorities straight. If you're anything like The Opinionator, you know it's too complicated to think about whether you could see yourself falling for a girl. It's much easier to rate them in a numbers based system according to physical attributes and whether you think they'd ever have a threesome (bonus) with another TTL member (double bonus). Treating emotion in this logical, emotionless manner is the only healthy way to go about life. Period. Exclamation point!
Because there are so many girls, and only 10 TTL spaces, TTL themes can be created to help narrow down the field. Blonde TTL, or Girls with Belly Button Rings TTL help to figure out a basic order. By using these sub-classed TTL's, you can then create a bracket system in which you seed the girls according to theme and rank, and then play it out to determine who the overall number one would be. It's a bomb proof way to sort out your personal life.
While each TTL should be personalized, there are a few general rules that I am willing to share with you beginners to help you form a fair and unbiased list.
1) Girlfriends are always number 1, with the exception of those "quality times" when it's "inapropriate" to watch the Red Sox, and the month of April.
2) Lists can only be updated a maximum of once per week. A lot of things can happen in the course of seven days. Give it time to even out.
3) A girl that confirms mutual feelings gains 3 spots minimum and an automatic reshuffling of the list, regardless of rule 2 status.
4) Celebrities have their own list (CTTL) unless you have personally made contact with them (this includes the time I'm pretty sure I saw Kiera Knightley in London)
5) Ties are like kissing your sister, which is the last thing we want on our TTL. Acceptable tie breakers are a) most recent positive interaction, b) similar sports team alegiance c) toungue rings.
6) Friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends, back up girlfriends, not quite but probably within the next week girlfriends are completely off limits.
7) Cute girls with legitimate chances always come before hot girls you haven't talked to since high school.
8) Ex girlfriends must be off the list for a full year before they can be added again, and even then, it's not a good idea.
9) A TTL theme must be a hard, "scien"tific, fact. Ex. Hair color, ethnicity, chest size, location, previous hook-ups (according to rule 8 guidelines). Superficial only.
10) TTL's must never, EVER be used in a persuasive manner to interest a list member. EVER. No Exceptions. That's just a time bomb waiting to go.
Well, now that I've given you the tools, all you need to do is sit down and replace emotion with cold hard numbers to help you determine who you should be focussing on, on a week by week basis. Think of how much easier it will be to face rejection when there's a number 2 just waiting to step up to the plate and take over. Now go fill out that bracket!
Andrew
Certified Ladies Man and Opinionator
Possibly the most outstanding characteristic of the TTL is that it is dynamic in nature. Stacey shut down your "could be funny, could be serious" facebook probe? No problem. We'll just bump her for Jess who recently broke up with her boyfriend, keeping in mind that Stacey is one drunk text away from shooting back up into the top five. Becky hasn't responded to your repeated voicemails (or emails, or letters, or sticky notes)? No worries my friend, she was always trying to give you those grapes that you're sure were sour, and you didnt' really like her anyway.
The TTL is especially good for keeping your priorities straight. If you're anything like The Opinionator, you know it's too complicated to think about whether you could see yourself falling for a girl. It's much easier to rate them in a numbers based system according to physical attributes and whether you think they'd ever have a threesome (bonus) with another TTL member (double bonus). Treating emotion in this logical, emotionless manner is the only healthy way to go about life. Period. Exclamation point!
Because there are so many girls, and only 10 TTL spaces, TTL themes can be created to help narrow down the field. Blonde TTL, or Girls with Belly Button Rings TTL help to figure out a basic order. By using these sub-classed TTL's, you can then create a bracket system in which you seed the girls according to theme and rank, and then play it out to determine who the overall number one would be. It's a bomb proof way to sort out your personal life.
While each TTL should be personalized, there are a few general rules that I am willing to share with you beginners to help you form a fair and unbiased list.
1) Girlfriends are always number 1, with the exception of those "quality times" when it's "inapropriate" to watch the Red Sox, and the month of April.
2) Lists can only be updated a maximum of once per week. A lot of things can happen in the course of seven days. Give it time to even out.
3) A girl that confirms mutual feelings gains 3 spots minimum and an automatic reshuffling of the list, regardless of rule 2 status.
4) Celebrities have their own list (CTTL) unless you have personally made contact with them (this includes the time I'm pretty sure I saw Kiera Knightley in London)
5) Ties are like kissing your sister, which is the last thing we want on our TTL. Acceptable tie breakers are a) most recent positive interaction, b) similar sports team alegiance c) toungue rings.
6) Friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends, back up girlfriends, not quite but probably within the next week girlfriends are completely off limits.
7) Cute girls with legitimate chances always come before hot girls you haven't talked to since high school.
8) Ex girlfriends must be off the list for a full year before they can be added again, and even then, it's not a good idea.
9) A TTL theme must be a hard, "scien"tific, fact. Ex. Hair color, ethnicity, chest size, location, previous hook-ups (according to rule 8 guidelines). Superficial only.
10) TTL's must never, EVER be used in a persuasive manner to interest a list member. EVER. No Exceptions. That's just a time bomb waiting to go.
Well, now that I've given you the tools, all you need to do is sit down and replace emotion with cold hard numbers to help you determine who you should be focussing on, on a week by week basis. Think of how much easier it will be to face rejection when there's a number 2 just waiting to step up to the plate and take over. Now go fill out that bracket!
Andrew
Certified Ladies Man and Opinionator
Thursday 6 March 2008
The White Stuff
I've been told that there's an element of this blog that keeps me from being able, through self proclamation, to identify it as controversial. I'll have you know that The Opinionator doesn't shy away from controversy, especially when it means he can add it to the already amiable qualities related to his blossoming blog. That said, it's time to stop pussy footing around the issues, and get right down to the nitty gritty.
THE N.B.A.
I know you've seen it. It lurks on the baseline underneath the basket. It sits on the end of the bench right next to the assistant coach. It showcases its talent outside of the arc. It comes from Eastern Europe, Gonzaga, and the 1950's. It's the seedy underbelly of a game that once had the audacity to strive for unity through diversity, and it is dying out quicker than you can say Bounce Pass. I'm talking about the white basketball player.
I know what you're thinking..."But I heard the Opinionator once dunked a basketball during a B league Intramural game at college even though he's a 5'10" white guy" (with a 29" vertical leap...that's right ladies). Well you're right. But the trend in the NBA is to ignore the quality, and stick to the blueprint. As a result, the hopes and dreams of un-athletic, slightly obese white men everywhere have been extinguished, along with the careers of NBA greats like Vlade Divac, Greg Ostertag, Luc Longley, and Arvydis Sabonis (not to mention countless "role players" and "chemistry guys").
"To make it in this league, you have to adapt.", says Wally Szvsdvcerbiak of the...wait who does he play for now? "I was drafted as a slashing scorer out of Miami (of Ohio, not the ghetto one) and look at me now, I'm a spot up three point specialist on the Cleveland Jameses! I was lucky. Every time I was close to the ax, I ended up just being traded to a new team. I think GM's are so perplexed by my last name that they just can't get around to filing the paperwork necessary to cut me."
While Scvzcvxiezerbiak has found his niche, other players haven't been so lucky. Jeff Hornecek sat down with The Opinionator to talk about the new NBA.
"I noticed that my face time was decreasing during the games. During the last few years, I even tried gimmicks like wearing my shorts extra high or wiping the side of my face when I was at the foul line. Commentators said it was a way of saying hi to my kids. With the increase in TV time, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that not a single one of my 15 baby mama's could afford a television."
Down but not out, I made one last ditch effort to resurrect my dream for the white baller. I went to Dallas, where newly acquired Jason Kidd has teamed up with Dirk Nowitzki, becoming the biggest threat to black professionals in Texas since G.W.B. Unfortunately, I was in for a shock.
"My pops is black dawg." said Kidd. "He's the one who raised me, gave me game, got be ballin. Mama just went black and then never came back."
Dirk was unavailable for an interview, but did say that he supports my blog completely, and has family roots in a similar cause back home in Germany.
While I must admit I'd rather watch Dwight Howard showcase his skills against Gerald Green in the NBA Diet Pepsi with Lime and extra Carbonation Dunk Competition, every 360 between the legs dunk makes me shed a tear for Larry Bird and his left handed lay-up. Until the time comes when Tom Brady hangs up the shoulder pads and puts on the Reebok Pumps, I guess I'm forced to take solace in the only meaningful sport us unfit white men have left...
...Goddamnit! Tiger won again?!?!
Andrew
Certified Caucasian Male and Opinionator
THE N.B.A.
I know you've seen it. It lurks on the baseline underneath the basket. It sits on the end of the bench right next to the assistant coach. It showcases its talent outside of the arc. It comes from Eastern Europe, Gonzaga, and the 1950's. It's the seedy underbelly of a game that once had the audacity to strive for unity through diversity, and it is dying out quicker than you can say Bounce Pass. I'm talking about the white basketball player.
I know what you're thinking..."But I heard the Opinionator once dunked a basketball during a B league Intramural game at college even though he's a 5'10" white guy" (with a 29" vertical leap...that's right ladies). Well you're right. But the trend in the NBA is to ignore the quality, and stick to the blueprint. As a result, the hopes and dreams of un-athletic, slightly obese white men everywhere have been extinguished, along with the careers of NBA greats like Vlade Divac, Greg Ostertag, Luc Longley, and Arvydis Sabonis (not to mention countless "role players" and "chemistry guys").
"To make it in this league, you have to adapt.", says Wally Szvsdvcerbiak of the...wait who does he play for now? "I was drafted as a slashing scorer out of Miami (of Ohio, not the ghetto one) and look at me now, I'm a spot up three point specialist on the Cleveland Jameses! I was lucky. Every time I was close to the ax, I ended up just being traded to a new team. I think GM's are so perplexed by my last name that they just can't get around to filing the paperwork necessary to cut me."
While Scvzcvxiezerbiak has found his niche, other players haven't been so lucky. Jeff Hornecek sat down with The Opinionator to talk about the new NBA.
"I noticed that my face time was decreasing during the games. During the last few years, I even tried gimmicks like wearing my shorts extra high or wiping the side of my face when I was at the foul line. Commentators said it was a way of saying hi to my kids. With the increase in TV time, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that not a single one of my 15 baby mama's could afford a television."
Down but not out, I made one last ditch effort to resurrect my dream for the white baller. I went to Dallas, where newly acquired Jason Kidd has teamed up with Dirk Nowitzki, becoming the biggest threat to black professionals in Texas since G.W.B. Unfortunately, I was in for a shock.
"My pops is black dawg." said Kidd. "He's the one who raised me, gave me game, got be ballin. Mama just went black and then never came back."
Dirk was unavailable for an interview, but did say that he supports my blog completely, and has family roots in a similar cause back home in Germany.
While I must admit I'd rather watch Dwight Howard showcase his skills against Gerald Green in the NBA Diet Pepsi with Lime and extra Carbonation Dunk Competition, every 360 between the legs dunk makes me shed a tear for Larry Bird and his left handed lay-up. Until the time comes when Tom Brady hangs up the shoulder pads and puts on the Reebok Pumps, I guess I'm forced to take solace in the only meaningful sport us unfit white men have left...
...Goddamnit! Tiger won again?!?!
Andrew
Certified Caucasian Male and Opinionator
Tuesday 4 March 2008
It's Not the Size of the Vote, It's the Emotion in the Ocean State
What a day to be a Rhode Islander. Today is the day that we, as the nations smallest state, get the chance to throw our two cents into the pot, and make a meaningful and in no way insignificant impact on the future of our great country. It's days like these that make me want to write an inspiring country music song to be played over a montage of great American moments, or maybe even, if I'm lucky, a Ford commercial. All of this is of course made possible by our nations dedication to equality and fairness.
I mean look at us. Lucky number 13 boasts barely 1500 square miles (which by my calculation is nearly double in equilateral triangle mileage) coming in as the smallest state by area in the country, and still we account for 21 delegates. Compare that to our countries largest state, Alaska, and our electoral importance matches, nay, exceeds our baby seal clubbing neighbors to the north. We even nabbed half the political popularity of the great state of Puerto Rico, who comes in at 44 delegates. Not bad for 43rd most populated state.
Turn on the news, and you won't see analysts over-looking The Ocean State in favor of larger, more populated states with more delegates to give to the cause, and therefore more influence over our country. You won't see our candidates focused solely on two major states with the understanding that they alone can make or break their campaign, forcing them to spend more money, time, and care (in that order of importance) trying to win their votes. No my friend, you will see them on the streets of Rhode Island, fighting for our 21 delegates with just as much passion and focus as they would for Texas' 21, or Ohio's 21...
Man we got this electoral system down to a "science". No wonder so many other countries are begging us to come over and show them how it's done.
Andrew
Official Political Analyzer and Opinionator
I mean look at us. Lucky number 13 boasts barely 1500 square miles (which by my calculation is nearly double in equilateral triangle mileage) coming in as the smallest state by area in the country, and still we account for 21 delegates. Compare that to our countries largest state, Alaska, and our electoral importance matches, nay, exceeds our baby seal clubbing neighbors to the north. We even nabbed half the political popularity of the great state of Puerto Rico, who comes in at 44 delegates. Not bad for 43rd most populated state.
Turn on the news, and you won't see analysts over-looking The Ocean State in favor of larger, more populated states with more delegates to give to the cause, and therefore more influence over our country. You won't see our candidates focused solely on two major states with the understanding that they alone can make or break their campaign, forcing them to spend more money, time, and care (in that order of importance) trying to win their votes. No my friend, you will see them on the streets of Rhode Island, fighting for our 21 delegates with just as much passion and focus as they would for Texas' 21, or Ohio's 21...
Man we got this electoral system down to a "science". No wonder so many other countries are begging us to come over and show them how it's done.
Andrew
Official Political Analyzer and Opinionator
Sunday 2 March 2008
Lose Weight Feel Great!
If you are like 100% of Americans, odds are you've spent some time during this past week concerned with your physical figure. You guys out there are probably struggling to get that belt back to notch 4, fighting that uphill battle against body hair, or reconsidering the satirical nature of that maxim article entitled, "Drink a Six Pack, Get a Six Pack." Ladies are probably worried that their waist is too big, their chest is too small, their chest will be the first thng to go if they try to slim down their waist, or some other combination of chest and waist. "Science" will tell you that diet and exercise will get you the results you need, and demand simply patience and dedication to the cause that you desperately support. Well "Science" can go fall straight off the edge of the world and burn in the sun while it rotates around the Earth.
Americans demand more than "science". They demand results! And the Opinionator is here to give them what they want. I've developed a method to improve your figure that even the "scien"tists can't argue with. I went to the FDA and explained my program to them, eager to start the long process to gain their endorsement and get my product on the market. What I found was that with a simple disclaimer, I could market my program immediately, regardless of how "rash" and "potentially fatal" it may be. With that, I give you.....
Americans demand more than "science". They demand results! And the Opinionator is here to give them what they want. I've developed a method to improve your figure that even the "scien"tists can't argue with. I went to the FDA and explained my program to them, eager to start the long process to gain their endorsement and get my product on the market. What I found was that with a simple disclaimer, I could market my program immediately, regardless of how "rash" and "potentially fatal" it may be. With that, I give you.....
HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA AND IS STILL IN EXPERIMENTAL FORM. SIDE EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE NAUSEA, INTERNAL BLEEDING, CANCER, AIDS, THE NEW MEGA-KILLER CANCAIDS, HOMOSEXUALITY, JUST EXPERIMENTING WITH A COLLEGE ROOMATE, TBA, AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
This pill, combined with absolutely no physical effort, will acheive the desired results within days! Just follow these simple rules, and you'll be installing mirrors and tanning machines in your room faster than you can say "Do I look skinnier under darker light bulbs?".
Step 1
Don't exercise at high intensity after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-In fact it may be best if you don't exercise at all. Or really move for that matter. You see the active ingredient in HYDROXOMEGACUT XL is about 50,000 mg of caffeine, pushing your heart rate up between 160 and 180 beats per minute (about the level of a marathon runner) for about 2 to 3 hours (about the time it takes to run a marathon). This allows you to run a marathon while watching Season One of The Office, or the first 3-4 episodes of 24 (actually, the drama from 24 may be too much stress for you body on HYDROXOSEXYMEGACYT XL).
Step 2
Don't eat anything after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-This one should be easy, since fat people really should stop eating anyway. Just in case you do try to eat something, HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL's secret diet ingredient (a small amount of chemicals from under the Opinionator's mother's kitchen sink) will cause you to vomit it all back up, saving you precious calories that could become fat! The vomitting will be replaced by dry heaves for up to 20 minutes without ingesting food, which doubles as an excellent Abdominal workout.
Step 3
Don't even think about shaving, waxing, or meditating that body hair away after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-The small but potentially cancerous amounts of inorganic arsenic and carbon tetrachloride will have you on chemotherapy treatments in no time, zapping away all the hair on your body. Have you ever seen a fat cancer survivor? I don't think so!
By following this simple and effortless guide, you'll be that much closer to looking great, and not being a loser. Don't worry lazy fat-asses, Baby's not the only one who's got your back.
Andrew
Certified Health Guy & Opinionator
Friday 29 February 2008
Don't Worry...I didn't miss the bandwagon
So I think it's time for me to revolutionize blogging, by presenting my original, unbiased, and inspired thoughts to the world. I'd like to think that this blog will not only open some eyes to the observations that I've been able to make, but also help people realize things that they may not have been able to figure out on their own. I hope if nothing else, the brief glimpse into my thoughts will add perspective to the lives of my many avid readers, and help them become better aware, if not better people in general.
I you tubed some of the democratic presidential debates the other day. I have to say, Obama does something for me that Hillary doesn't. For starters, she seems too concerned about policies to take the time to care about the people. I believe it was our founding fathers who wrote "We the people" as the first three words in the Constitution of the United States of America. I don't think the likes of George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, or Mel Gibson's character in "The Patriot" would want the future president's concerns to lie in politics above people. That's why we seperated from England in the first place!
In direct contradiction to Hillary, Barack talked about no less than 14 individual people in the 8 minute 49 second you tube clip. I mean he mentioned John, the steel worker in Pittsburgh, Edna, the retiree in Tampa, Jamaal, the kid on the streets of L.A., and Sarah, the Professor of Cliche's at Harvard University. Now I don't personally know these people, but I can still relate to them. I have a father who works, a grandmother who's old, a black friend, and a teacher. The fact that Barama (Am I the first person to come up with that?) cares about these specific people makes me feel like he cares about me as well. Now that's Change I Can Believe In.
The Republican race is over to me, but it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen one T-shirt or catchy slogan about McCain or whoever else is running for them, so I don't see them making any waves in November. Furthermore, I saw a pole online the other day showing that nearly 3 to 1 people in America will vote democrat. Here's the link: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2209240506 . Of those people, apparently close to 1,000,000 strong are for Barama Mama: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2231653698 . I also found an additional 1,000,000 people who are against Bush: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5022036305 . and there are 1,000,000 people who want Kenyan to streak at Super Bowl 42: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2241104485 . This tells me that at least 2,000,000 people will be for Obama Mama no Drama if he is our democratic representative. While that wouldn't win him American Idol, I can't imagine it will keep him from being our next president.
Side Note: I don't actually expect a presidential election to tally as many votes as American Idol. The numbers show (sorry no link) that Americans are much more interested in reality programs than reality itself. Furthermore, the American Idol contestants are chosen from all around the country, through rigorous training and auditions where our presidential candidates are basically the two to four most popular people (old, white people if your republican) in the party (can we please come up with a more suitable name. party makes it sound fun.) Besides, the winner of American Idol is in line for much more money than the winner of the Election.
As a sign off, I encourage those of you who are touched by todays message to get out there, buy a Obama Mama no Drama Rhode Island Dairy Fahmah T-Shirt and join a facebook group...and if you really feel like you need to do more, the primary is soon, and I think there's a number that you can text your vote to.
Stay Political, as long as you don't have to go out of your way to do it!
Andrew
Certified Political Consultant & Opinionator
I you tubed some of the democratic presidential debates the other day. I have to say, Obama does something for me that Hillary doesn't. For starters, she seems too concerned about policies to take the time to care about the people. I believe it was our founding fathers who wrote "We the people" as the first three words in the Constitution of the United States of America. I don't think the likes of George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, or Mel Gibson's character in "The Patriot" would want the future president's concerns to lie in politics above people. That's why we seperated from England in the first place!
In direct contradiction to Hillary, Barack talked about no less than 14 individual people in the 8 minute 49 second you tube clip. I mean he mentioned John, the steel worker in Pittsburgh, Edna, the retiree in Tampa, Jamaal, the kid on the streets of L.A., and Sarah, the Professor of Cliche's at Harvard University. Now I don't personally know these people, but I can still relate to them. I have a father who works, a grandmother who's old, a black friend, and a teacher. The fact that Barama (Am I the first person to come up with that?) cares about these specific people makes me feel like he cares about me as well. Now that's Change I Can Believe In.
The Republican race is over to me, but it doesn't really matter. I haven't seen one T-shirt or catchy slogan about McCain or whoever else is running for them, so I don't see them making any waves in November. Furthermore, I saw a pole online the other day showing that nearly 3 to 1 people in America will vote democrat. Here's the link: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2209240506 . Of those people, apparently close to 1,000,000 strong are for Barama Mama: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2231653698 . I also found an additional 1,000,000 people who are against Bush: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=5022036305 . and there are 1,000,000 people who want Kenyan to streak at Super Bowl 42: http://ursinus.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2241104485 . This tells me that at least 2,000,000 people will be for Obama Mama no Drama if he is our democratic representative. While that wouldn't win him American Idol, I can't imagine it will keep him from being our next president.
Side Note: I don't actually expect a presidential election to tally as many votes as American Idol. The numbers show (sorry no link) that Americans are much more interested in reality programs than reality itself. Furthermore, the American Idol contestants are chosen from all around the country, through rigorous training and auditions where our presidential candidates are basically the two to four most popular people (old, white people if your republican) in the party (can we please come up with a more suitable name. party makes it sound fun.) Besides, the winner of American Idol is in line for much more money than the winner of the Election.
As a sign off, I encourage those of you who are touched by todays message to get out there, buy a Obama Mama no Drama Rhode Island Dairy Fahmah T-Shirt and join a facebook group...and if you really feel like you need to do more, the primary is soon, and I think there's a number that you can text your vote to.
Stay Political, as long as you don't have to go out of your way to do it!
Andrew
Certified Political Consultant & Opinionator
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