I've been told that there's an element of this blog that keeps me from being able, through self proclamation, to identify it as controversial. I'll have you know that The Opinionator doesn't shy away from controversy, especially when it means he can add it to the already amiable qualities related to his blossoming blog. That said, it's time to stop pussy footing around the issues, and get right down to the nitty gritty.
THE N.B.A.
I know you've seen it. It lurks on the baseline underneath the basket. It sits on the end of the bench right next to the assistant coach. It showcases its talent outside of the arc. It comes from Eastern Europe, Gonzaga, and the 1950's. It's the seedy underbelly of a game that once had the audacity to strive for unity through diversity, and it is dying out quicker than you can say Bounce Pass. I'm talking about the white basketball player.
I know what you're thinking..."But I heard the Opinionator once dunked a basketball during a B league Intramural game at college even though he's a 5'10" white guy" (with a 29" vertical leap...that's right ladies). Well you're right. But the trend in the NBA is to ignore the quality, and stick to the blueprint. As a result, the hopes and dreams of un-athletic, slightly obese white men everywhere have been extinguished, along with the careers of NBA greats like Vlade Divac, Greg Ostertag, Luc Longley, and Arvydis Sabonis (not to mention countless "role players" and "chemistry guys").
"To make it in this league, you have to adapt.", says Wally Szvsdvcerbiak of the...wait who does he play for now? "I was drafted as a slashing scorer out of Miami (of Ohio, not the ghetto one) and look at me now, I'm a spot up three point specialist on the Cleveland Jameses! I was lucky. Every time I was close to the ax, I ended up just being traded to a new team. I think GM's are so perplexed by my last name that they just can't get around to filing the paperwork necessary to cut me."
While Scvzcvxiezerbiak has found his niche, other players haven't been so lucky. Jeff Hornecek sat down with The Opinionator to talk about the new NBA.
"I noticed that my face time was decreasing during the games. During the last few years, I even tried gimmicks like wearing my shorts extra high or wiping the side of my face when I was at the foul line. Commentators said it was a way of saying hi to my kids. With the increase in TV time, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that not a single one of my 15 baby mama's could afford a television."
Down but not out, I made one last ditch effort to resurrect my dream for the white baller. I went to Dallas, where newly acquired Jason Kidd has teamed up with Dirk Nowitzki, becoming the biggest threat to black professionals in Texas since G.W.B. Unfortunately, I was in for a shock.
"My pops is black dawg." said Kidd. "He's the one who raised me, gave me game, got be ballin. Mama just went black and then never came back."
Dirk was unavailable for an interview, but did say that he supports my blog completely, and has family roots in a similar cause back home in Germany.
While I must admit I'd rather watch Dwight Howard showcase his skills against Gerald Green in the NBA Diet Pepsi with Lime and extra Carbonation Dunk Competition, every 360 between the legs dunk makes me shed a tear for Larry Bird and his left handed lay-up. Until the time comes when Tom Brady hangs up the shoulder pads and puts on the Reebok Pumps, I guess I'm forced to take solace in the only meaningful sport us unfit white men have left...
...Goddamnit! Tiger won again?!?!
Andrew
Certified Caucasian Male and Opinionator
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