March...in like a lion, out like a frigid ice queen. I can't feel my feet. Speaking of supermarkets, never go shopping on an empty stomach...or dating during a dry spell. Either way, you end up settling for something that you regret before your next meal. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Sleeve Frozen).
Back to my feet. I've done some post midnight driving the past few nights and found myself likening the experience to trying to survive if (when?) locked in a walk-in freezer. I found myself cursing the situation, hoping the fire in my words would somehow melt away the desire to defrost my head in a microwave. After two minutes, my repertoire of four letter words running thin, and the buggering wanker of a cold front that was my situation refusing to yield, I finally subscribed to the Clinton theory that words are meaningless, and the climate is not a change you can xerox.
Next it was a series of poorly thought out, short term solutions highlighted by pulling my cotton sleeves an inch and a half closer to my finger tips while keeping my head in the chin-tucked safety position and doing my best to imitate a retarded turtle; trying to simultaneously to be an observant driver while fighting the desire to take refuge in my shell. Combine that with the start/stop style of driving that comes with testing range of motion in my lower digits and I've got an additional 4-7 minutes of a slightly uncomfortable battle against hypothermia. By the time I've succumb to my fate, the only comfort being the fact that my hallucinations are getting real enough not to care, the heat sputters on and I start to feel the effects of modern technology. Unfortunately, three minutes later I'm de-layering in the sauna I've created and putting the car into park as I've reached my destination.
My point is simple. Any drowning Polar Bears are more than welcome to chauffeur me and my friends around from October through April. I know what the hippies say, that global warming and climate change are raising sea levels, destroying natural resources, and changing life as we know it, but all I know is it's colder than a deaf, blind kid on an Easter egg hunt (GETTING COLDER TIMMY!), and I could use a little global warming at some point.
Just kidding...That's not all I know.
Andrew
Climatolologist and The Opinionator
Sunday 30 March 2008
Friday 28 March 2008
Boys Are Mean, Throw Rocks at Them
The Opinionator is no stranger to the ladies. In fact, he is quite familiar with them, often times texting them or even calling them by their first name. He also sees them walking down the street or driving in their cars (yes, women can legally obtain a licence) all the time. In fact, one might say that, with the exception of Hillary Clinton, and 3 out of 4 ex-girlfriends, the Opinonator is quite woman friendly. (Due to privacy requests, the ex-girlfriends will remain nameless. Except Kim...she was a bitch.)
You can imagine my shock when I found out that I only see women as objects...sexual objects no less. Here I was, in a sterile bubble of lies and misconceptions, assuming that I enjoyed the company of women, being truly interested in their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and scores of other personality traits, when the fact is that I put on a superficial, sensitive exterior simply to get into that lacey, Victoria Secret interior. This awakening has taken me aback, and with the understanding that realizations generally hit me about a decade or so earlier than they do my avid, yet uptake inhibited readers, I feel like I must devote a solid 10-12 minutes strictly toward the opposite sex.
First of all, I found some fem-in-is-m books that really helped open my eyes to the atrocities I have committed against femininity (the -ity of being the superior sex according to the book). I realized that everything I do, no matter how benevolent the intentions may be, is a crime against all of womankind. Specific crimes include speaking to a woman, not speaking to a woman, looking at a woman, not looking at a woman, including, omitting, or second guessing a woman, thinking, not thinking, re-thinking, de-thinking, pre-thinking, or considering thinking about a woman, and ANYTHING involving the junior prom after-party and a video camera.
Now I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to interact with a woman while still respecting her as a feminine goddess? The answer is simple. You can't! As a man who respects women, you must never subject her to the insensitive jerk that lives inside all of us, and out of shame, you are forced to hide all emotion, no matter how sincere it is, to make sure your offensive nature does not pollute their atmosphere of purity. Otherwise, heartfelt affirmations will be taken as the sneaky, animalistic, pick up lines that are ingrained in our one-track minds, whether you want them to or not.
These may seem like fact-less, general assumptions, aligning an insensitive few with the good-natured many. You may feel like you can appreciate a woman's physical beauty, while admiring her intelligence, and embracing the contrast that you share as male and a female. It may seem like the right woman can complete you, supporting you when you're weak, sharing your accomplishments, and vastly improving your life just by being a part of it.
...That's because you're stupid...
Learn to deal with it.
Andrew
Certified Male Pig and Opinionator
You can imagine my shock when I found out that I only see women as objects...sexual objects no less. Here I was, in a sterile bubble of lies and misconceptions, assuming that I enjoyed the company of women, being truly interested in their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and scores of other personality traits, when the fact is that I put on a superficial, sensitive exterior simply to get into that lacey, Victoria Secret interior. This awakening has taken me aback, and with the understanding that realizations generally hit me about a decade or so earlier than they do my avid, yet uptake inhibited readers, I feel like I must devote a solid 10-12 minutes strictly toward the opposite sex.
First of all, I found some fem-in-is-m books that really helped open my eyes to the atrocities I have committed against femininity (the -ity of being the superior sex according to the book). I realized that everything I do, no matter how benevolent the intentions may be, is a crime against all of womankind. Specific crimes include speaking to a woman, not speaking to a woman, looking at a woman, not looking at a woman, including, omitting, or second guessing a woman, thinking, not thinking, re-thinking, de-thinking, pre-thinking, or considering thinking about a woman, and ANYTHING involving the junior prom after-party and a video camera.
Now I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to interact with a woman while still respecting her as a feminine goddess? The answer is simple. You can't! As a man who respects women, you must never subject her to the insensitive jerk that lives inside all of us, and out of shame, you are forced to hide all emotion, no matter how sincere it is, to make sure your offensive nature does not pollute their atmosphere of purity. Otherwise, heartfelt affirmations will be taken as the sneaky, animalistic, pick up lines that are ingrained in our one-track minds, whether you want them to or not.
These may seem like fact-less, general assumptions, aligning an insensitive few with the good-natured many. You may feel like you can appreciate a woman's physical beauty, while admiring her intelligence, and embracing the contrast that you share as male and a female. It may seem like the right woman can complete you, supporting you when you're weak, sharing your accomplishments, and vastly improving your life just by being a part of it.
...That's because you're stupid...
Learn to deal with it.
Andrew
Certified Male Pig and Opinionator
Sunday 23 March 2008
Sunday 16 March 2008
A Farewell to Farms
As I prepare for my long and arduous journey home, I find myself reflecting on time that I've spent in the United Kingdom of America. I leave the daughter land with a glowing sense of pride, having realized that my influence on this country has been immeasurable. Add this blossoming nation to the many places that The Opinionator's Midasian hand has purified.
Firstly, I'd like to recognize the profound and highly controversial effect I have had on English sport. Forget the fact that soccer has ruled this small island for hundreds of years. Within weeks of arriving in the region, I have managed to transform it into a football nation. Walk into any pub on a weekend and you will find it buzzing with football talk, football supporters, and football mind set. It was as if these people have been football supporters their whole lives, they were just waiting for the right bloke to set them free. You're Welcome.
I did not rest upon my laurels for too long, however. After conquering the world of sport, I immediately set forth upon the British Monetary System (BMS). The BMS has been rebelling from the European Union (EU) for the last 15 years, refusing to switch from Sterling (GBP) to the Euro (EURO). Well, change may be slow, but the process has been started. In less than 0.5/15ths of the time it took the EU to try and convince the BMS to change from GBP to EURO's, TO (The Opinionator) has managed to Get R Done (GRD). Instead of Euros however, Ive got them on the strongest currency in the Tri-Nation Super Power of The United States, Australia, and New Zealand. Find a boring 1 pence (p for short) piece on the ground? Well thanks to yours truly, you can now call it the way cooler "penny" (p for short). Don't mention it.
After shaping both sport and economics, I figured the next logical step was to turn my attention to politics. With the greatest democracy in the world as my guide, I have reshaped the British "system" of government. Knowing that the United Kingdom of America loves goofy names (Piccadilly, Stockton-upon-Trent, Beckham), I basically kept the roles and responsibilities the same, simply changing the names. For example, a good government has a head of state and a figurehead to make special appearances. In America, we have Vice President Cheney heading the state, and Mr. Bush making guest appearances. The U.K.A. will replace (Vice President) V.P. Cheney with (Minister Prime) M.P. Gordon Brown. The King of the World, Mr. Bush, will be replaced with the Queen of the Island, Miss Elizabeth Turner (or whatever her name is). Continuing in true form, the House of Representatives will be represented by the House of Lords, while the House of Commons will take the role of the Senate. Finally, the British Armed Forces will take the role of the highly regarded Girl Scouts of America, as they share similar values and skills already. While the citizens of The U.K.A. will have the power to vote, their vote will not affect the figurehead, and the head of state will at no time hold a majority approval rating, just like holme!
With these necessary changes in place, Great Britain will grow in the shadow of the United States, blossoming into the little brother of a world super power, and relying on association to ascend to great heights. Again Britmericans, no need at all to shower me with praise or thanks. It's the least I can do after drinking your beer and eating a large percentage of your country's Sticky Toffee Pudding (STP).
Cheers,
Andrew
Official Diplomat and The Opinionator
Firstly, I'd like to recognize the profound and highly controversial effect I have had on English sport. Forget the fact that soccer has ruled this small island for hundreds of years. Within weeks of arriving in the region, I have managed to transform it into a football nation. Walk into any pub on a weekend and you will find it buzzing with football talk, football supporters, and football mind set. It was as if these people have been football supporters their whole lives, they were just waiting for the right bloke to set them free. You're Welcome.
I did not rest upon my laurels for too long, however. After conquering the world of sport, I immediately set forth upon the British Monetary System (BMS). The BMS has been rebelling from the European Union (EU) for the last 15 years, refusing to switch from Sterling (GBP) to the Euro (EURO). Well, change may be slow, but the process has been started. In less than 0.5/15ths of the time it took the EU to try and convince the BMS to change from GBP to EURO's, TO (The Opinionator) has managed to Get R Done (GRD). Instead of Euros however, Ive got them on the strongest currency in the Tri-Nation Super Power of The United States, Australia, and New Zealand. Find a boring 1 pence (p for short) piece on the ground? Well thanks to yours truly, you can now call it the way cooler "penny" (p for short). Don't mention it.
After shaping both sport and economics, I figured the next logical step was to turn my attention to politics. With the greatest democracy in the world as my guide, I have reshaped the British "system" of government. Knowing that the United Kingdom of America loves goofy names (Piccadilly, Stockton-upon-Trent, Beckham), I basically kept the roles and responsibilities the same, simply changing the names. For example, a good government has a head of state and a figurehead to make special appearances. In America, we have Vice President Cheney heading the state, and Mr. Bush making guest appearances. The U.K.A. will replace (Vice President) V.P. Cheney with (Minister Prime) M.P. Gordon Brown. The King of the World, Mr. Bush, will be replaced with the Queen of the Island, Miss Elizabeth Turner (or whatever her name is). Continuing in true form, the House of Representatives will be represented by the House of Lords, while the House of Commons will take the role of the Senate. Finally, the British Armed Forces will take the role of the highly regarded Girl Scouts of America, as they share similar values and skills already. While the citizens of The U.K.A. will have the power to vote, their vote will not affect the figurehead, and the head of state will at no time hold a majority approval rating, just like holme!
With these necessary changes in place, Great Britain will grow in the shadow of the United States, blossoming into the little brother of a world super power, and relying on association to ascend to great heights. Again Britmericans, no need at all to shower me with praise or thanks. It's the least I can do after drinking your beer and eating a large percentage of your country's Sticky Toffee Pudding (STP).
Cheers,
Andrew
Official Diplomat and The Opinionator
Sunday 9 March 2008
I'm sorry, I'll have to consult the rankings
The Top Ten List is something that has been around since the human population reached 11. With so many possibilities at hand, it's the only logical way to prioritize emotion. It settles all disputes, legitimizes all decisions, simplifies all feelings. It really is the Swiss army knife of desire. Helping you to sculpt your feelings, cut loose ends, open up your heart, and screw...well i guess that one's pretty self explanatory.
Possibly the most outstanding characteristic of the TTL is that it is dynamic in nature. Stacey shut down your "could be funny, could be serious" facebook probe? No problem. We'll just bump her for Jess who recently broke up with her boyfriend, keeping in mind that Stacey is one drunk text away from shooting back up into the top five. Becky hasn't responded to your repeated voicemails (or emails, or letters, or sticky notes)? No worries my friend, she was always trying to give you those grapes that you're sure were sour, and you didnt' really like her anyway.
The TTL is especially good for keeping your priorities straight. If you're anything like The Opinionator, you know it's too complicated to think about whether you could see yourself falling for a girl. It's much easier to rate them in a numbers based system according to physical attributes and whether you think they'd ever have a threesome (bonus) with another TTL member (double bonus). Treating emotion in this logical, emotionless manner is the only healthy way to go about life. Period. Exclamation point!
Because there are so many girls, and only 10 TTL spaces, TTL themes can be created to help narrow down the field. Blonde TTL, or Girls with Belly Button Rings TTL help to figure out a basic order. By using these sub-classed TTL's, you can then create a bracket system in which you seed the girls according to theme and rank, and then play it out to determine who the overall number one would be. It's a bomb proof way to sort out your personal life.
While each TTL should be personalized, there are a few general rules that I am willing to share with you beginners to help you form a fair and unbiased list.
1) Girlfriends are always number 1, with the exception of those "quality times" when it's "inapropriate" to watch the Red Sox, and the month of April.
2) Lists can only be updated a maximum of once per week. A lot of things can happen in the course of seven days. Give it time to even out.
3) A girl that confirms mutual feelings gains 3 spots minimum and an automatic reshuffling of the list, regardless of rule 2 status.
4) Celebrities have their own list (CTTL) unless you have personally made contact with them (this includes the time I'm pretty sure I saw Kiera Knightley in London)
5) Ties are like kissing your sister, which is the last thing we want on our TTL. Acceptable tie breakers are a) most recent positive interaction, b) similar sports team alegiance c) toungue rings.
6) Friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends, back up girlfriends, not quite but probably within the next week girlfriends are completely off limits.
7) Cute girls with legitimate chances always come before hot girls you haven't talked to since high school.
8) Ex girlfriends must be off the list for a full year before they can be added again, and even then, it's not a good idea.
9) A TTL theme must be a hard, "scien"tific, fact. Ex. Hair color, ethnicity, chest size, location, previous hook-ups (according to rule 8 guidelines). Superficial only.
10) TTL's must never, EVER be used in a persuasive manner to interest a list member. EVER. No Exceptions. That's just a time bomb waiting to go.
Well, now that I've given you the tools, all you need to do is sit down and replace emotion with cold hard numbers to help you determine who you should be focussing on, on a week by week basis. Think of how much easier it will be to face rejection when there's a number 2 just waiting to step up to the plate and take over. Now go fill out that bracket!
Andrew
Certified Ladies Man and Opinionator
Possibly the most outstanding characteristic of the TTL is that it is dynamic in nature. Stacey shut down your "could be funny, could be serious" facebook probe? No problem. We'll just bump her for Jess who recently broke up with her boyfriend, keeping in mind that Stacey is one drunk text away from shooting back up into the top five. Becky hasn't responded to your repeated voicemails (or emails, or letters, or sticky notes)? No worries my friend, she was always trying to give you those grapes that you're sure were sour, and you didnt' really like her anyway.
The TTL is especially good for keeping your priorities straight. If you're anything like The Opinionator, you know it's too complicated to think about whether you could see yourself falling for a girl. It's much easier to rate them in a numbers based system according to physical attributes and whether you think they'd ever have a threesome (bonus) with another TTL member (double bonus). Treating emotion in this logical, emotionless manner is the only healthy way to go about life. Period. Exclamation point!
Because there are so many girls, and only 10 TTL spaces, TTL themes can be created to help narrow down the field. Blonde TTL, or Girls with Belly Button Rings TTL help to figure out a basic order. By using these sub-classed TTL's, you can then create a bracket system in which you seed the girls according to theme and rank, and then play it out to determine who the overall number one would be. It's a bomb proof way to sort out your personal life.
While each TTL should be personalized, there are a few general rules that I am willing to share with you beginners to help you form a fair and unbiased list.
1) Girlfriends are always number 1, with the exception of those "quality times" when it's "inapropriate" to watch the Red Sox, and the month of April.
2) Lists can only be updated a maximum of once per week. A lot of things can happen in the course of seven days. Give it time to even out.
3) A girl that confirms mutual feelings gains 3 spots minimum and an automatic reshuffling of the list, regardless of rule 2 status.
4) Celebrities have their own list (CTTL) unless you have personally made contact with them (this includes the time I'm pretty sure I saw Kiera Knightley in London)
5) Ties are like kissing your sister, which is the last thing we want on our TTL. Acceptable tie breakers are a) most recent positive interaction, b) similar sports team alegiance c) toungue rings.
6) Friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends, back up girlfriends, not quite but probably within the next week girlfriends are completely off limits.
7) Cute girls with legitimate chances always come before hot girls you haven't talked to since high school.
8) Ex girlfriends must be off the list for a full year before they can be added again, and even then, it's not a good idea.
9) A TTL theme must be a hard, "scien"tific, fact. Ex. Hair color, ethnicity, chest size, location, previous hook-ups (according to rule 8 guidelines). Superficial only.
10) TTL's must never, EVER be used in a persuasive manner to interest a list member. EVER. No Exceptions. That's just a time bomb waiting to go.
Well, now that I've given you the tools, all you need to do is sit down and replace emotion with cold hard numbers to help you determine who you should be focussing on, on a week by week basis. Think of how much easier it will be to face rejection when there's a number 2 just waiting to step up to the plate and take over. Now go fill out that bracket!
Andrew
Certified Ladies Man and Opinionator
Thursday 6 March 2008
The White Stuff
I've been told that there's an element of this blog that keeps me from being able, through self proclamation, to identify it as controversial. I'll have you know that The Opinionator doesn't shy away from controversy, especially when it means he can add it to the already amiable qualities related to his blossoming blog. That said, it's time to stop pussy footing around the issues, and get right down to the nitty gritty.
THE N.B.A.
I know you've seen it. It lurks on the baseline underneath the basket. It sits on the end of the bench right next to the assistant coach. It showcases its talent outside of the arc. It comes from Eastern Europe, Gonzaga, and the 1950's. It's the seedy underbelly of a game that once had the audacity to strive for unity through diversity, and it is dying out quicker than you can say Bounce Pass. I'm talking about the white basketball player.
I know what you're thinking..."But I heard the Opinionator once dunked a basketball during a B league Intramural game at college even though he's a 5'10" white guy" (with a 29" vertical leap...that's right ladies). Well you're right. But the trend in the NBA is to ignore the quality, and stick to the blueprint. As a result, the hopes and dreams of un-athletic, slightly obese white men everywhere have been extinguished, along with the careers of NBA greats like Vlade Divac, Greg Ostertag, Luc Longley, and Arvydis Sabonis (not to mention countless "role players" and "chemistry guys").
"To make it in this league, you have to adapt.", says Wally Szvsdvcerbiak of the...wait who does he play for now? "I was drafted as a slashing scorer out of Miami (of Ohio, not the ghetto one) and look at me now, I'm a spot up three point specialist on the Cleveland Jameses! I was lucky. Every time I was close to the ax, I ended up just being traded to a new team. I think GM's are so perplexed by my last name that they just can't get around to filing the paperwork necessary to cut me."
While Scvzcvxiezerbiak has found his niche, other players haven't been so lucky. Jeff Hornecek sat down with The Opinionator to talk about the new NBA.
"I noticed that my face time was decreasing during the games. During the last few years, I even tried gimmicks like wearing my shorts extra high or wiping the side of my face when I was at the foul line. Commentators said it was a way of saying hi to my kids. With the increase in TV time, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that not a single one of my 15 baby mama's could afford a television."
Down but not out, I made one last ditch effort to resurrect my dream for the white baller. I went to Dallas, where newly acquired Jason Kidd has teamed up with Dirk Nowitzki, becoming the biggest threat to black professionals in Texas since G.W.B. Unfortunately, I was in for a shock.
"My pops is black dawg." said Kidd. "He's the one who raised me, gave me game, got be ballin. Mama just went black and then never came back."
Dirk was unavailable for an interview, but did say that he supports my blog completely, and has family roots in a similar cause back home in Germany.
While I must admit I'd rather watch Dwight Howard showcase his skills against Gerald Green in the NBA Diet Pepsi with Lime and extra Carbonation Dunk Competition, every 360 between the legs dunk makes me shed a tear for Larry Bird and his left handed lay-up. Until the time comes when Tom Brady hangs up the shoulder pads and puts on the Reebok Pumps, I guess I'm forced to take solace in the only meaningful sport us unfit white men have left...
...Goddamnit! Tiger won again?!?!
Andrew
Certified Caucasian Male and Opinionator
THE N.B.A.
I know you've seen it. It lurks on the baseline underneath the basket. It sits on the end of the bench right next to the assistant coach. It showcases its talent outside of the arc. It comes from Eastern Europe, Gonzaga, and the 1950's. It's the seedy underbelly of a game that once had the audacity to strive for unity through diversity, and it is dying out quicker than you can say Bounce Pass. I'm talking about the white basketball player.
I know what you're thinking..."But I heard the Opinionator once dunked a basketball during a B league Intramural game at college even though he's a 5'10" white guy" (with a 29" vertical leap...that's right ladies). Well you're right. But the trend in the NBA is to ignore the quality, and stick to the blueprint. As a result, the hopes and dreams of un-athletic, slightly obese white men everywhere have been extinguished, along with the careers of NBA greats like Vlade Divac, Greg Ostertag, Luc Longley, and Arvydis Sabonis (not to mention countless "role players" and "chemistry guys").
"To make it in this league, you have to adapt.", says Wally Szvsdvcerbiak of the...wait who does he play for now? "I was drafted as a slashing scorer out of Miami (of Ohio, not the ghetto one) and look at me now, I'm a spot up three point specialist on the Cleveland Jameses! I was lucky. Every time I was close to the ax, I ended up just being traded to a new team. I think GM's are so perplexed by my last name that they just can't get around to filing the paperwork necessary to cut me."
While Scvzcvxiezerbiak has found his niche, other players haven't been so lucky. Jeff Hornecek sat down with The Opinionator to talk about the new NBA.
"I noticed that my face time was decreasing during the games. During the last few years, I even tried gimmicks like wearing my shorts extra high or wiping the side of my face when I was at the foul line. Commentators said it was a way of saying hi to my kids. With the increase in TV time, I couldn't bring myself to tell them that not a single one of my 15 baby mama's could afford a television."
Down but not out, I made one last ditch effort to resurrect my dream for the white baller. I went to Dallas, where newly acquired Jason Kidd has teamed up with Dirk Nowitzki, becoming the biggest threat to black professionals in Texas since G.W.B. Unfortunately, I was in for a shock.
"My pops is black dawg." said Kidd. "He's the one who raised me, gave me game, got be ballin. Mama just went black and then never came back."
Dirk was unavailable for an interview, but did say that he supports my blog completely, and has family roots in a similar cause back home in Germany.
While I must admit I'd rather watch Dwight Howard showcase his skills against Gerald Green in the NBA Diet Pepsi with Lime and extra Carbonation Dunk Competition, every 360 between the legs dunk makes me shed a tear for Larry Bird and his left handed lay-up. Until the time comes when Tom Brady hangs up the shoulder pads and puts on the Reebok Pumps, I guess I'm forced to take solace in the only meaningful sport us unfit white men have left...
...Goddamnit! Tiger won again?!?!
Andrew
Certified Caucasian Male and Opinionator
Tuesday 4 March 2008
It's Not the Size of the Vote, It's the Emotion in the Ocean State
What a day to be a Rhode Islander. Today is the day that we, as the nations smallest state, get the chance to throw our two cents into the pot, and make a meaningful and in no way insignificant impact on the future of our great country. It's days like these that make me want to write an inspiring country music song to be played over a montage of great American moments, or maybe even, if I'm lucky, a Ford commercial. All of this is of course made possible by our nations dedication to equality and fairness.
I mean look at us. Lucky number 13 boasts barely 1500 square miles (which by my calculation is nearly double in equilateral triangle mileage) coming in as the smallest state by area in the country, and still we account for 21 delegates. Compare that to our countries largest state, Alaska, and our electoral importance matches, nay, exceeds our baby seal clubbing neighbors to the north. We even nabbed half the political popularity of the great state of Puerto Rico, who comes in at 44 delegates. Not bad for 43rd most populated state.
Turn on the news, and you won't see analysts over-looking The Ocean State in favor of larger, more populated states with more delegates to give to the cause, and therefore more influence over our country. You won't see our candidates focused solely on two major states with the understanding that they alone can make or break their campaign, forcing them to spend more money, time, and care (in that order of importance) trying to win their votes. No my friend, you will see them on the streets of Rhode Island, fighting for our 21 delegates with just as much passion and focus as they would for Texas' 21, or Ohio's 21...
Man we got this electoral system down to a "science". No wonder so many other countries are begging us to come over and show them how it's done.
Andrew
Official Political Analyzer and Opinionator
I mean look at us. Lucky number 13 boasts barely 1500 square miles (which by my calculation is nearly double in equilateral triangle mileage) coming in as the smallest state by area in the country, and still we account for 21 delegates. Compare that to our countries largest state, Alaska, and our electoral importance matches, nay, exceeds our baby seal clubbing neighbors to the north. We even nabbed half the political popularity of the great state of Puerto Rico, who comes in at 44 delegates. Not bad for 43rd most populated state.
Turn on the news, and you won't see analysts over-looking The Ocean State in favor of larger, more populated states with more delegates to give to the cause, and therefore more influence over our country. You won't see our candidates focused solely on two major states with the understanding that they alone can make or break their campaign, forcing them to spend more money, time, and care (in that order of importance) trying to win their votes. No my friend, you will see them on the streets of Rhode Island, fighting for our 21 delegates with just as much passion and focus as they would for Texas' 21, or Ohio's 21...
Man we got this electoral system down to a "science". No wonder so many other countries are begging us to come over and show them how it's done.
Andrew
Official Political Analyzer and Opinionator
Sunday 2 March 2008
Lose Weight Feel Great!
If you are like 100% of Americans, odds are you've spent some time during this past week concerned with your physical figure. You guys out there are probably struggling to get that belt back to notch 4, fighting that uphill battle against body hair, or reconsidering the satirical nature of that maxim article entitled, "Drink a Six Pack, Get a Six Pack." Ladies are probably worried that their waist is too big, their chest is too small, their chest will be the first thng to go if they try to slim down their waist, or some other combination of chest and waist. "Science" will tell you that diet and exercise will get you the results you need, and demand simply patience and dedication to the cause that you desperately support. Well "Science" can go fall straight off the edge of the world and burn in the sun while it rotates around the Earth.
Americans demand more than "science". They demand results! And the Opinionator is here to give them what they want. I've developed a method to improve your figure that even the "scien"tists can't argue with. I went to the FDA and explained my program to them, eager to start the long process to gain their endorsement and get my product on the market. What I found was that with a simple disclaimer, I could market my program immediately, regardless of how "rash" and "potentially fatal" it may be. With that, I give you.....
Americans demand more than "science". They demand results! And the Opinionator is here to give them what they want. I've developed a method to improve your figure that even the "scien"tists can't argue with. I went to the FDA and explained my program to them, eager to start the long process to gain their endorsement and get my product on the market. What I found was that with a simple disclaimer, I could market my program immediately, regardless of how "rash" and "potentially fatal" it may be. With that, I give you.....
HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA AND IS STILL IN EXPERIMENTAL FORM. SIDE EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE NAUSEA, INTERNAL BLEEDING, CANCER, AIDS, THE NEW MEGA-KILLER CANCAIDS, HOMOSEXUALITY, JUST EXPERIMENTING WITH A COLLEGE ROOMATE, TBA, AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
This pill, combined with absolutely no physical effort, will acheive the desired results within days! Just follow these simple rules, and you'll be installing mirrors and tanning machines in your room faster than you can say "Do I look skinnier under darker light bulbs?".
Step 1
Don't exercise at high intensity after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-In fact it may be best if you don't exercise at all. Or really move for that matter. You see the active ingredient in HYDROXOMEGACUT XL is about 50,000 mg of caffeine, pushing your heart rate up between 160 and 180 beats per minute (about the level of a marathon runner) for about 2 to 3 hours (about the time it takes to run a marathon). This allows you to run a marathon while watching Season One of The Office, or the first 3-4 episodes of 24 (actually, the drama from 24 may be too much stress for you body on HYDROXOSEXYMEGACYT XL).
Step 2
Don't eat anything after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-This one should be easy, since fat people really should stop eating anyway. Just in case you do try to eat something, HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL's secret diet ingredient (a small amount of chemicals from under the Opinionator's mother's kitchen sink) will cause you to vomit it all back up, saving you precious calories that could become fat! The vomitting will be replaced by dry heaves for up to 20 minutes without ingesting food, which doubles as an excellent Abdominal workout.
Step 3
Don't even think about shaving, waxing, or meditating that body hair away after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL
-The small but potentially cancerous amounts of inorganic arsenic and carbon tetrachloride will have you on chemotherapy treatments in no time, zapping away all the hair on your body. Have you ever seen a fat cancer survivor? I don't think so!
By following this simple and effortless guide, you'll be that much closer to looking great, and not being a loser. Don't worry lazy fat-asses, Baby's not the only one who's got your back.
Andrew
Certified Health Guy & Opinionator
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