The last few days haven't been the easiest for The Opinionator. My life hasn't exactly been "difficult" per say, but I have struggled to pull myself out of couch in the morning. I keep hearing words like ambition, and motivation, but I really can't be bothered to look the definition of either of them up so I find myself disambitioned and demotivated. What could cause this uncharacteristic lull in my exciting, wish you could be me, life? Well it's not a what...It's a who. Or to be more specific...a who (plural).
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
Wednesday 30 April 2008
Monday 28 April 2008
Wednesday 16 April 2008
Reality Televised
8:00 am: America's Next Great Chef
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Friday 11 April 2008
Happy Facebirthday
Well the culmination of facebook popularity is right around the corner. That's right, it is almost The Opinionator's facebirthday. The facenotification is small (click and you'll miss it), but in the corner of your facehome page, you'll be reminded that your facefriend will be celebrating his life's anniversary within the next three days. What does this facemean to you? It means you need to decide how important our facefriendship is. If you're concerned that three days isn't nearly enough time to evaluate a relationship, not to mention find the corresponding gesture to exemplify your feelings, than you are clearly unaware of The Opinionator's two favorite past times: Simplifying emotion and making lists.
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
Monday 7 April 2008
Fantasy Baseball
Do you remember the first time you got to first base? Of course you do, and for most of you this memory took place away from the baseball field, unless the only place with some privacy happened to be the high school parking lot. Same goes for your first trip to second, third, and hopefully the first time you scored. Whether you've played baseball or not, odds are you've found yourself at the plate, trying to figure out a way to get in the game. Luckily for you, The Opinionator has a play by play game-plan to get you on base instead of constantly striking out.
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
Wednesday 2 April 2008
I Got a Fever, and the Only Remedy is Environmental Change
April showers bring an end to my ski season...I'm sweating through my shirt. Speaking of supermarkets, never shop for a girl on an empty stomach or eat dates during a dry spell. You'll either find yourself in the can or on the can. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Talon Crayola).
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
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