Fantasy Baseball

Do you remember the first time you got to first base? Of course you do, and for most of you this memory took place away from the baseball field, unless the only place with some privacy happened to be the high school parking lot. Same goes for your first trip to second, third, and hopefully the first time you scored. Whether you've played baseball or not, odds are you've found yourself at the plate, trying to figure out a way to get in the game. Luckily for you, The Opinionator has a play by play game-plan to get you on base instead of constantly striking out.

A quick refresher to start:

First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies

Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.

The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.

There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:

The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.

Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:

The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.

While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:

The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.

With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.

Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator