JMT 2010

"When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years." - The Beach






Ahhh the haze of infatuation. That really hit home. I continually find that falling in love is so much easier than actually loving someone. There's the natural explanation that new emotion is more exciting, and new people are interesting, and the honeymoon phase is based on an ability to overlook the little things and enjoy the moment. I think it has more to do with the idea that I've potentially found what I've been missing, or at the very least, something I want. It's not easy to get antsy or goofy about something or someone, but once there, it's blinding. Not the "love is blind" blinding. More of a "see only what you want to see" blinding.



Enter you find it when you're not looking. I've heard this a lot, but until recently haven't really understood how it would work. Now I think it has more to do with avoiding the 'see only what you want to see' blindness, which makes sense. If you take out the idea of finally finding what you've been missing all these years, you take out the pressure to idealize the emotions. And then you're free to do all those cliche's that you hear in movies like accept someone the way they are, or be yourself around them, or be completely honest. Basically you're free to love.



The only thing I don't like about this thought is that first glance it takes away the excitement and spark of something new. Ultimately, I think that's true, but I don't think it's necessarily the worst thing. There is a distinct difference between excitement over something new and excitement over something special That difference for me is that I do everything not to spoil something new (hide flaws, accentuate strengths, re-enact positive moments), where something special pushes me to chase the feeling, even if it means growing with it and opening myself up to make mistakes in the process.



...And that, to me, is love. Love is what pushes me to explore who I am. Love is my safety net when I need to take a chance. Love teaches me to appreciate the whole instead of emphasizing and ignoring certain parts. And most importantly, love keeps me patient. I am not searching for the one thing I've been missing because ultimately I have it in my life. But at the same time, the love that I have opens me up to accept it from others because I'm not looking for it. And at this one point in my life, that's the security I need to know that I'll find someone, maybe even when I least expect it.