Back for the Medal Round

Ahhhh the 29th Olympiad. While I preferred the 3rd and the 17th myself, the 29th (or XXIX in letter-numbers) had its moments. The Opinionator found several athletes in particular that displayed the admirable qualities of a champion, and of their countries. Jamaican sprinter Usain "Lightening Drill" Bolt solidified his place on the 2010 Jamaican bobsled team by running a 1.9235 second 220 ft. race (or something like that...The Opinionator was too busy imitating his victory pose to get the numbers quite right). Angel Valodia Matos of Cuba showed the restraint and poise of a "perfect on paper" nation by politely kicking his Tae Kwon Doe official in the face after being disqualified. After years of painfully long hours and merciless training, Michael Phelps claimed gold in 8 individual camera shots (including the emotional "my teammates almost blew the relay" shot and the tear jerking "I can't believe I almost lost because I got water in my goggles" slo-mo). Even the host country jumped on board, aided by a new scoring system that adds points for difficulty, subtracts points for mistakes, and awards medals for prepubescence, taking the gold in the under-12 gymnastics all-around medals.

Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.

Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.

A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!

Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon

True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.

Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon

The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.

Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf

This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.

These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.

Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator