The Best....Nope....Technical....Ummm....Only Jacket That Money Can Buy

Hello Ladies,

Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.

The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.

The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.

The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.

Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).

So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.

Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator

All I want for Christmas is Mila Kunis 2 CD's...

Dear Santa,

While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.

Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall

*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*

Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex

Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.

Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.

Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.

Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator