I Got a Fever, and the Only Remedy is Environmental Change

April showers bring an end to my ski season...I'm sweating through my shirt. Speaking of supermarkets, never shop for a girl on an empty stomach or eat dates during a dry spell. You'll either find yourself in the can or on the can. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Talon Crayola).

Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.

Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).

My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.

Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator