March...in like a lion, out like a frigid ice queen. I can't feel my feet. Speaking of supermarkets, never go shopping on an empty stomach...or dating during a dry spell. Either way, you end up settling for something that you regret before your next meal. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Sleeve Frozen).
Back to my feet. I've done some post midnight driving the past few nights and found myself likening the experience to trying to survive if (when?) locked in a walk-in freezer. I found myself cursing the situation, hoping the fire in my words would somehow melt away the desire to defrost my head in a microwave. After two minutes, my repertoire of four letter words running thin, and the buggering wanker of a cold front that was my situation refusing to yield, I finally subscribed to the Clinton theory that words are meaningless, and the climate is not a change you can xerox.
Next it was a series of poorly thought out, short term solutions highlighted by pulling my cotton sleeves an inch and a half closer to my finger tips while keeping my head in the chin-tucked safety position and doing my best to imitate a retarded turtle; trying to simultaneously to be an observant driver while fighting the desire to take refuge in my shell. Combine that with the start/stop style of driving that comes with testing range of motion in my lower digits and I've got an additional 4-7 minutes of a slightly uncomfortable battle against hypothermia. By the time I've succumb to my fate, the only comfort being the fact that my hallucinations are getting real enough not to care, the heat sputters on and I start to feel the effects of modern technology. Unfortunately, three minutes later I'm de-layering in the sauna I've created and putting the car into park as I've reached my destination.
My point is simple. Any drowning Polar Bears are more than welcome to chauffeur me and my friends around from October through April. I know what the hippies say, that global warming and climate change are raising sea levels, destroying natural resources, and changing life as we know it, but all I know is it's colder than a deaf, blind kid on an Easter egg hunt (GETTING COLDER TIMMY!), and I could use a little global warming at some point.
Just kidding...That's not all I know.
Andrew
Climatolologist and The Opinionator
3 comments:
if i were you, i'd watch out for this sleeve frozen..he might be someone you know, maybe he has been lurking around for a while planning when to make his move...
I'd like to point out that your metaphor was actually stolen from me.
no flippin way dude...There was no dating on an empty stomach reference. mr. f is too busy dating even though he's eaten waaaaay too much.
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