Lose Weight Feel Great!

If you are like 100% of Americans, odds are you've spent some time during this past week concerned with your physical figure. You guys out there are probably struggling to get that belt back to notch 4, fighting that uphill battle against body hair, or reconsidering the satirical nature of that maxim article entitled, "Drink a Six Pack, Get a Six Pack." Ladies are probably worried that their waist is too big, their chest is too small, their chest will be the first thng to go if they try to slim down their waist, or some other combination of chest and waist. "Science" will tell you that diet and exercise will get you the results you need, and demand simply patience and dedication to the cause that you desperately support. Well "Science" can go fall straight off the edge of the world and burn in the sun while it rotates around the Earth.

Americans demand more than "science". They demand results! And the Opinionator is here to give them what they want. I've developed a method to improve your figure that even the "scien"tists can't argue with. I went to the FDA and explained my program to them, eager to start the long process to gain their endorsement and get my product on the market. What I found was that with a simple disclaimer, I could market my program immediately, regardless of how "rash" and "potentially fatal" it may be. With that, I give you.....

HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL

HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL HAS NOT BEEN APPROVED BY THE FDA AND IS STILL IN EXPERIMENTAL FORM. SIDE EFFECTS CAN INCLUDE NAUSEA, INTERNAL BLEEDING, CANCER, AIDS, THE NEW MEGA-KILLER CANCAIDS, HOMOSEXUALITY, JUST EXPERIMENTING WITH A COLLEGE ROOMATE, TBA, AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.

This pill, combined with absolutely no physical effort, will acheive the desired results within days! Just follow these simple rules, and you'll be installing mirrors and tanning machines in your room faster than you can say "Do I look skinnier under darker light bulbs?".

Step 1

Don't exercise at high intensity after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL

-In fact it may be best if you don't exercise at all. Or really move for that matter. You see the active ingredient in HYDROXOMEGACUT XL is about 50,000 mg of caffeine, pushing your heart rate up between 160 and 180 beats per minute (about the level of a marathon runner) for about 2 to 3 hours (about the time it takes to run a marathon). This allows you to run a marathon while watching Season One of The Office, or the first 3-4 episodes of 24 (actually, the drama from 24 may be too much stress for you body on HYDROXOSEXYMEGACYT XL).

Step 2

Don't eat anything after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL

-This one should be easy, since fat people really should stop eating anyway. Just in case you do try to eat something, HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL's secret diet ingredient (a small amount of chemicals from under the Opinionator's mother's kitchen sink) will cause you to vomit it all back up, saving you precious calories that could become fat! The vomitting will be replaced by dry heaves for up to 20 minutes without ingesting food, which doubles as an excellent Abdominal workout.

Step 3

Don't even think about shaving, waxing, or meditating that body hair away after ingesting HYDROXOSEXYMEGACUT XL

-The small but potentially cancerous amounts of inorganic arsenic and carbon tetrachloride will have you on chemotherapy treatments in no time, zapping away all the hair on your body. Have you ever seen a fat cancer survivor? I don't think so!

By following this simple and effortless guide, you'll be that much closer to looking great, and not being a loser. Don't worry lazy fat-asses, Baby's not the only one who's got your back.

Andrew

Certified Health Guy & Opinionator