A Farewell to Farms

As I prepare for my long and arduous journey home, I find myself reflecting on time that I've spent in the United Kingdom of America. I leave the daughter land with a glowing sense of pride, having realized that my influence on this country has been immeasurable. Add this blossoming nation to the many places that The Opinionator's Midasian hand has purified.

Firstly, I'd like to recognize the profound and highly controversial effect I have had on English sport. Forget the fact that soccer has ruled this small island for hundreds of years. Within weeks of arriving in the region, I have managed to transform it into a football nation. Walk into any pub on a weekend and you will find it buzzing with football talk, football supporters, and football mind set. It was as if these people have been football supporters their whole lives, they were just waiting for the right bloke to set them free. You're Welcome.

I did not rest upon my laurels for too long, however. After conquering the world of sport, I immediately set forth upon the British Monetary System (BMS). The BMS has been rebelling from the European Union (EU) for the last 15 years, refusing to switch from Sterling (GBP) to the Euro (EURO). Well, change may be slow, but the process has been started. In less than 0.5/15ths of the time it took the EU to try and convince the BMS to change from GBP to EURO's, TO (The Opinionator) has managed to Get R Done (GRD). Instead of Euros however, Ive got them on the strongest currency in the Tri-Nation Super Power of The United States, Australia, and New Zealand. Find a boring 1 pence (p for short) piece on the ground? Well thanks to yours truly, you can now call it the way cooler "penny" (p for short). Don't mention it.

After shaping both sport and economics, I figured the next logical step was to turn my attention to politics. With the greatest democracy in the world as my guide, I have reshaped the British "system" of government. Knowing that the United Kingdom of America loves goofy names (Piccadilly, Stockton-upon-Trent, Beckham), I basically kept the roles and responsibilities the same, simply changing the names. For example, a good government has a head of state and a figurehead to make special appearances. In America, we have Vice President Cheney heading the state, and Mr. Bush making guest appearances. The U.K.A. will replace (Vice President) V.P. Cheney with (Minister Prime) M.P. Gordon Brown. The King of the World, Mr. Bush, will be replaced with the Queen of the Island, Miss Elizabeth Turner (or whatever her name is). Continuing in true form, the House of Representatives will be represented by the House of Lords, while the House of Commons will take the role of the Senate. Finally, the British Armed Forces will take the role of the highly regarded Girl Scouts of America, as they share similar values and skills already. While the citizens of The U.K.A. will have the power to vote, their vote will not affect the figurehead, and the head of state will at no time hold a majority approval rating, just like holme!

With these necessary changes in place, Great Britain will grow in the shadow of the United States, blossoming into the little brother of a world super power, and relying on association to ascend to great heights. Again Britmericans, no need at all to shower me with praise or thanks. It's the least I can do after drinking your beer and eating a large percentage of your country's Sticky Toffee Pudding (STP).

Cheers,

Andrew
Official Diplomat and The Opinionator