Boys Are Mean, Throw Rocks at Them

The Opinionator is no stranger to the ladies. In fact, he is quite familiar with them, often times texting them or even calling them by their first name. He also sees them walking down the street or driving in their cars (yes, women can legally obtain a licence) all the time. In fact, one might say that, with the exception of Hillary Clinton, and 3 out of 4 ex-girlfriends, the Opinonator is quite woman friendly. (Due to privacy requests, the ex-girlfriends will remain nameless. Except Kim...she was a bitch.)

You can imagine my shock when I found out that I only see women as objects...sexual objects no less. Here I was, in a sterile bubble of lies and misconceptions, assuming that I enjoyed the company of women, being truly interested in their likes, dislikes, hobbies, and scores of other personality traits, when the fact is that I put on a superficial, sensitive exterior simply to get into that lacey, Victoria Secret interior. This awakening has taken me aback, and with the understanding that realizations generally hit me about a decade or so earlier than they do my avid, yet uptake inhibited readers, I feel like I must devote a solid 10-12 minutes strictly toward the opposite sex.

First of all, I found some fem-in-is-m books that really helped open my eyes to the atrocities I have committed against femininity (the -ity of being the superior sex according to the book). I realized that everything I do, no matter how benevolent the intentions may be, is a crime against all of womankind. Specific crimes include speaking to a woman, not speaking to a woman, looking at a woman, not looking at a woman, including, omitting, or second guessing a woman, thinking, not thinking, re-thinking, de-thinking, pre-thinking, or considering thinking about a woman, and ANYTHING involving the junior prom after-party and a video camera.

Now I know what you're thinking: How am I supposed to interact with a woman while still respecting her as a feminine goddess? The answer is simple. You can't! As a man who respects women, you must never subject her to the insensitive jerk that lives inside all of us, and out of shame, you are forced to hide all emotion, no matter how sincere it is, to make sure your offensive nature does not pollute their atmosphere of purity. Otherwise, heartfelt affirmations will be taken as the sneaky, animalistic, pick up lines that are ingrained in our one-track minds, whether you want them to or not.

These may seem like fact-less, general assumptions, aligning an insensitive few with the good-natured many. You may feel like you can appreciate a woman's physical beauty, while admiring her intelligence, and embracing the contrast that you share as male and a female. It may seem like the right woman can complete you, supporting you when you're weak, sharing your accomplishments, and vastly improving your life just by being a part of it.

...That's because you're stupid...

Learn to deal with it.

Andrew
Certified Male Pig and Opinionator