The Top Ten List is something that has been around since the human population reached 11. With so many possibilities at hand, it's the only logical way to prioritize emotion. It settles all disputes, legitimizes all decisions, simplifies all feelings. It really is the Swiss army knife of desire. Helping you to sculpt your feelings, cut loose ends, open up your heart, and screw...well i guess that one's pretty self explanatory.
Possibly the most outstanding characteristic of the TTL is that it is dynamic in nature. Stacey shut down your "could be funny, could be serious" facebook probe? No problem. We'll just bump her for Jess who recently broke up with her boyfriend, keeping in mind that Stacey is one drunk text away from shooting back up into the top five. Becky hasn't responded to your repeated voicemails (or emails, or letters, or sticky notes)? No worries my friend, she was always trying to give you those grapes that you're sure were sour, and you didnt' really like her anyway.
The TTL is especially good for keeping your priorities straight. If you're anything like The Opinionator, you know it's too complicated to think about whether you could see yourself falling for a girl. It's much easier to rate them in a numbers based system according to physical attributes and whether you think they'd ever have a threesome (bonus) with another TTL member (double bonus). Treating emotion in this logical, emotionless manner is the only healthy way to go about life. Period. Exclamation point!
Because there are so many girls, and only 10 TTL spaces, TTL themes can be created to help narrow down the field. Blonde TTL, or Girls with Belly Button Rings TTL help to figure out a basic order. By using these sub-classed TTL's, you can then create a bracket system in which you seed the girls according to theme and rank, and then play it out to determine who the overall number one would be. It's a bomb proof way to sort out your personal life.
While each TTL should be personalized, there are a few general rules that I am willing to share with you beginners to help you form a fair and unbiased list.
1) Girlfriends are always number 1, with the exception of those "quality times" when it's "inapropriate" to watch the Red Sox, and the month of April.
2) Lists can only be updated a maximum of once per week. A lot of things can happen in the course of seven days. Give it time to even out.
3) A girl that confirms mutual feelings gains 3 spots minimum and an automatic reshuffling of the list, regardless of rule 2 status.
4) Celebrities have their own list (CTTL) unless you have personally made contact with them (this includes the time I'm pretty sure I saw Kiera Knightley in London)
5) Ties are like kissing your sister, which is the last thing we want on our TTL. Acceptable tie breakers are a) most recent positive interaction, b) similar sports team alegiance c) toungue rings.
6) Friend's girlfriends, ex-girlfriends, potential girlfriends, back up girlfriends, not quite but probably within the next week girlfriends are completely off limits.
7) Cute girls with legitimate chances always come before hot girls you haven't talked to since high school.
8) Ex girlfriends must be off the list for a full year before they can be added again, and even then, it's not a good idea.
9) A TTL theme must be a hard, "scien"tific, fact. Ex. Hair color, ethnicity, chest size, location, previous hook-ups (according to rule 8 guidelines). Superficial only.
10) TTL's must never, EVER be used in a persuasive manner to interest a list member. EVER. No Exceptions. That's just a time bomb waiting to go.
Well, now that I've given you the tools, all you need to do is sit down and replace emotion with cold hard numbers to help you determine who you should be focussing on, on a week by week basis. Think of how much easier it will be to face rejection when there's a number 2 just waiting to step up to the plate and take over. Now go fill out that bracket!
Andrew
Certified Ladies Man and Opinionator
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
Post a Comment