Reality Televised

8:00 am: America's Next Great Chef


Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.


9:00 am: Big Brother


Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.


10:00 am: Big Brother UK

Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.

11:00 am: The Assistant

Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.

12:00 pm: The Apprentice

Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.

1:00pm: Fear Factor

You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.

2:00 pm: Nanny 911

Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.

3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser

Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.

4:00 pm: The Simple Life

Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!

5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen

It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.

9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations

After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.

But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?

Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator