Which Brew Are You?

Well the Opinionator is back in action, flying high amongst the intellectual future of our country. After a solid month of observation and interaction, I can pretty much sum up everything that you need to know about being in college (as both student and staff). Countless (due to lack of effort) hours have been spent poking, friending, drinking, facebook-stalking, intramural sporting, drinking, chillin, and drinking, and as a result, I bring to you the Quality of Education Four Star Rating (QuEFoStaR). QuEFiStaR is a scale for both Business and Social standing within any school system, and can be measured for both students and staff members alike, using a simple system that's no harder than shotgunning a beer or ordering a cup of coffee (unless it's from a chain).

ONE STAR
Students: (Boxed Beverages) These are your 30 racks of Natty Ice, PBR, or whatever you and your roommates can afford. While these canned concoctions are a means to a common end, the fact that they are interchangeable in a King's Cup and that the cost is comparable to the reward for recycling them puts consumers at the bottom of the totem pole. Odds are you're just happy that there's free alcohol to help you get through the semester, so you don't mind. This category also includes boxed wines (although if you remove the bag from inside the box, you maintain slightly more dignity).

Staff: (Boxed Beverages) These are your Box o' Joe's that you find in the lounge room at about 10:00 every morning. Sure the coffee is luke warm and a little chewy, but you aren't important enough to care about that. Odds are you're just happy that there's free caffeine to help you get through the work week, so you don't mind. This category also includes plain Lipton 500 count Tea Bags (although if they have the little pully string to avoid finger straining, you maintain slightly more dignity).

TWO STAR
Students: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents of a glass that says classy. Sure the actual glass may say Coors Light or High Life, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your beer, but while your can carrying compadres are playing with the tab, your snapping the bottle top, peeling off the label, and making fog horn noises with the open end. This category also includes Yellowtail, Jacob's Creek, and Arbor Mist wine bottles.

Staff: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents...etc. etc. Sure your glass mug may say FBI or World's Best Secretary, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your coffee, but while your Styrofoam Sucking Secretaries are writing their names in pen on their cup, you're holding your glass phrase side out, refilling from the coffee pot and leaving it to be washed out by the following morning. This category also includes pully string tea in a glass mug.

THREE STAR
Student: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at domestic craftsmanship the likes of Samuel Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Blue Moon. These beauties not only have alcohol, but claim that "hops" and "malts" are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth $3 for a bottle, than nothing is. This category also includes regional wines like Sonoma and Napa Valley, although nothing over $10 bottles.

Staff: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at the likes of Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Green Mountain. These beauties not only have a caffeine pick up, but claim that "roasted" and "blended" beans are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth your soul...I mean $3 a grande, than nothing is. This category also includes your Chai and Herbal Teas.

FOUR STAR
Students: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Pinnacle. How sweet it is to be on top. These beers are not only specialties and bottled, but also foreign. Beers like Franziskaner and Hoegaarden rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to say them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Friends will envy you, colleagues will admire you, and you can feel proud that you know a beer that most in your position can't pronounce, let alone appreciate. Look down upon those below you in rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes foreign wines like Chamblis de Elysses, Muessenberg Riesling, and Bona Venturi Chianti.

Staff: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Coffee Snobdom. How Viennese it is to be on top. These coffees are not only specially brewed with labels, but also hard to order. Beverages like Half-Caf Mocha Latte Double Shot Espressos and Midi Columbian Cinnamin Roasted Cafe de Creme rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to order them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Employees will envy you, Co-workers will admore you, and you can feel proud that you know your secretary didn't get to write down the full name and is going to struggle ordering your coffee in the morning. Look down upon those below your rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes Herbal Remedy Teas like Acai Blends and Yerba Mates.

Well there you have it. The drastic differences in structural levels between adolescence and adult life. Be careful not to jump ahead, for each step in this system provides lessons (like hangovers) and learning tools (like Gatorade). Keep in mind as you transition into adulthood that much like your days in college, what and how you drink really represents everything that is important about you. To abstain from the process is to abstain from life, but to embrace it is to take full advantage of your situation. Who knows, you may find that one day you have all the answers, just like me...

...Now what am I going to do for the rest of my graduate career...

Andrew
Certified Social Analyzer and the Opinionator