Well, well, well. Or should I say. "Yes, We, Can". Or maybe "Change, Change, Change". Or even "Block That Kick." The message may change, but the syllables remain. O-Bam-A. This is what it feels like to be proud of your country, to be part of an historic event, to have hope...
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Move Over Tom Cruise's Character in Cocktail, Here Comes The Opinionator
So I'm going to Hollywood. The west is calling, and the Opinionator will answer the phone (unless he's sitting quite comfortably outside of phone answering range). While the east coast has been home to a lot of memories i.e. the first opinionator blog, and that one about the facebirthday, and that other one about superficial woman ranking, the west coast holds the key to the door that leads through the entrance room past the guest bathroom through the kitchen and into the living room of success. And success, my friends, will be found in the form of a bartender.
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
Monday, 8 September 2008
Sand Cassells and Hype Dreams
Late round draft pick from a big time school. California born and bred. Promising size and skills, but demoted to back-up for most of his college career. Better career numbers in his senior year of high school than in college and the NFL combined. Never started a meaningful game in his life. Just waiting for his chance to step up and take the reigns on a team with an established star, and in one heart-stopping moment, he's thrust into the spotlight.
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Monday, 25 August 2008
Back for the Medal Round
Ahhhh the 29th Olympiad. While I preferred the 3rd and the 17th myself, the 29th (or XXIX in letter-numbers) had its moments. The Opinionator found several athletes in particular that displayed the admirable qualities of a champion, and of their countries. Jamaican sprinter Usain "Lightening Drill" Bolt solidified his place on the 2010 Jamaican bobsled team by running a 1.9235 second 220 ft. race (or something like that...The Opinionator was too busy imitating his victory pose to get the numbers quite right). Angel Valodia Matos of Cuba showed the restraint and poise of a "perfect on paper" nation by politely kicking his Tae Kwon Doe official in the face after being disqualified. After years of painfully long hours and merciless training, Michael Phelps claimed gold in 8 individual camera shots (including the emotional "my teammates almost blew the relay" shot and the tear jerking "I can't believe I almost lost because I got water in my goggles" slo-mo). Even the host country jumped on board, aided by a new scoring system that adds points for difficulty, subtracts points for mistakes, and awards medals for prepubescence, taking the gold in the under-12 gymnastics all-around medals.
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Finding Nemo
Why did God give us two ears? Trick question. God voted to go with two extra mouths so that we could sing his praises while playing the harmonica and making out with Molly Popular. Unfortunately, he got vetoed, and we were forced to pursue single-mouthed activities instead. To punish us for ruining God's plan for three part harmony solo's, he invented things like Foreign Languages, Karaoke, and Nemo Music to offend our auditory receptors...and personally, I would rather listen to a Spaniard singing Sweet Caroline on Tuesday nights than Nemo Music.
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Wait. Haven't We Been Winning for All of This Decade? Because I Think We Have!
The last few days haven't been the easiest for The Opinionator. My life hasn't exactly been "difficult" per say, but I have struggled to pull myself out of couch in the morning. I keep hearing words like ambition, and motivation, but I really can't be bothered to look the definition of either of them up so I find myself disambitioned and demotivated. What could cause this uncharacteristic lull in my exciting, wish you could be me, life? Well it's not a what...It's a who. Or to be more specific...a who (plural).
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
Monday, 28 April 2008
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