Well this week started a new page in the Opinionator's book. Since the book that is my life has already won countless awards from the Hugo and Nebula awards for science fiction/fantasy, to the Heisman Award for best all around college football performance, this new chapter is bound to be a winner. That said, welcome to this new chapter entitled: Greenlands Indoors Program Graduate Assistant.
My job here at the University is to promote the idea of indoor activity among the increasingly outdoor prone young adults that are attending Greenlands. I'm hoping to ignite a spark in these eager, active, adventurous college students and introduce the young American ideals of chillin', relaxin', and chillaxin'. The Indoor Programs strives to remove the fire from under these students ass' and replace it with a comfortable cushion or a car seat. We promote sedentary, limited lives that revolve around weekly television programs, driving 3-5 minutes to class, and drinking high quantities of alcohol.
I arrived at my new position to find a room full of student leaders watching this dank movie of some surfers shredding some serious gnar. Now in the hour I spent with them before they diverted their attention from the TV, I learned half the vocabulary used in the previous sentence (words like dank, shredding, serious, and gnar). I was some-what immediately welcomed to this community of laze, offered the corner cushion seat, and given my choice of movie. I learned that movies are not the only choice I had. TV on DVD, Documentary, and Indie Film also rule this program of the indoors (most of which have corresponding drinking games). Who knew all these options were right at the tip of my remote!
So I begin this chapter with subdued anticipation. Indoor Programs will not only provide me with a paycheck, but it will also open the doors of entertainment cabinets and cars just a short, level, walk away. More importantly, it will empower me with the ability to pass my knowledge on to an impressionable generation, ensuring that they will continue to respect the indoors and develop their interest well inside the gates of Greenlands. So here's to you Indoor Programs. May your guidance help me experience action, adventure, comedy, romance, drama, and sports all from the comfort of my home.
Andrew
Official Greenlands GA and the Opinionator
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Monday, 8 December 2008
The Best....Nope....Technical....Ummm....Only Jacket That Money Can Buy
Hello Ladies,
Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.
The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.
The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.
The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.
Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).
So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.
Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator
Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.
The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.
The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.
The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.
Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).
So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.
Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator
Monday, 1 December 2008
All I want for Christmas is Mila Kunis 2 CD's...
Dear Santa,
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
I Like Change, It Pays for Coffee
Well, well, well. Or should I say. "Yes, We, Can". Or maybe "Change, Change, Change". Or even "Block That Kick." The message may change, but the syllables remain. O-Bam-A. This is what it feels like to be proud of your country, to be part of an historic event, to have hope...
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Move Over Tom Cruise's Character in Cocktail, Here Comes The Opinionator
So I'm going to Hollywood. The west is calling, and the Opinionator will answer the phone (unless he's sitting quite comfortably outside of phone answering range). While the east coast has been home to a lot of memories i.e. the first opinionator blog, and that one about the facebirthday, and that other one about superficial woman ranking, the west coast holds the key to the door that leads through the entrance room past the guest bathroom through the kitchen and into the living room of success. And success, my friends, will be found in the form of a bartender.
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
Monday, 8 September 2008
Sand Cassells and Hype Dreams
Late round draft pick from a big time school. California born and bred. Promising size and skills, but demoted to back-up for most of his college career. Better career numbers in his senior year of high school than in college and the NFL combined. Never started a meaningful game in his life. Just waiting for his chance to step up and take the reigns on a team with an established star, and in one heart-stopping moment, he's thrust into the spotlight.
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Monday, 25 August 2008
Back for the Medal Round
Ahhhh the 29th Olympiad. While I preferred the 3rd and the 17th myself, the 29th (or XXIX in letter-numbers) had its moments. The Opinionator found several athletes in particular that displayed the admirable qualities of a champion, and of their countries. Jamaican sprinter Usain "Lightening Drill" Bolt solidified his place on the 2010 Jamaican bobsled team by running a 1.9235 second 220 ft. race (or something like that...The Opinionator was too busy imitating his victory pose to get the numbers quite right). Angel Valodia Matos of Cuba showed the restraint and poise of a "perfect on paper" nation by politely kicking his Tae Kwon Doe official in the face after being disqualified. After years of painfully long hours and merciless training, Michael Phelps claimed gold in 8 individual camera shots (including the emotional "my teammates almost blew the relay" shot and the tear jerking "I can't believe I almost lost because I got water in my goggles" slo-mo). Even the host country jumped on board, aided by a new scoring system that adds points for difficulty, subtracts points for mistakes, and awards medals for prepubescence, taking the gold in the under-12 gymnastics all-around medals.
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
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