I want to love so much. I can talk about it all the time. It doesn't really matter to me who's willing (or even unwilling) to listen, because I'll go on for hours. Talking about it doesn't make me feel much better though. I need to feel it.
It's been a while since I've felt love. It's been long enough that I get over-excited when the posibility arises. I stay up late and wake up early. I check for signs, and then re-check just to make sure I didn't miss something. I become a stereotype of infatuation...and I know it.
So when I start to fall, I tend to crash.
I don't mean to...In fact at this point there haven't been many benefits at all. I just can't help it. I don't know how to be any different. I can't stop myself. and I don't even think I want to.
I love the excitement. I love it when so many different things remind me of just one person. Even though it hasn't worked out yet, I know it will, and that keeps my hopes alive. It makes me want to keep talking, even when I'm not in the most positive of places. Even though it can sometimes be blinding, love keeps my eyes open.
So am I ready to start the climb? I'm not sure, but I am definately ready to get excited again. I miss the good times too much to let the bad times get the best of me...
Sunday, 10 January 2010
Saturday, 19 December 2009
...and we're back
Top Ten Things I Don't Miss About the Cold
1. Getting into the car before it has heated up
2. Having to constantly change clothes upon entering and exiting buildings and cars
3. Adding another reason to the list of why I don't feel like exercising today
4. Once it's dark, you stay inside
5. Inclement weather driving
6. Iced coffee and cream are not viable solutions to any situation
7. The beach sucks
8. The only things to do inside are watch tv and eat
9. Getting out of the hot tub is almost not worth getting in
10. There are much more cold alcoholic beverages than there are warm ones.
Other than that, it's nice to be home for a short period of time. I am very quickly finding out that all the things I like about home are not geographically fixed to the area, so in theory one day they can come back to California with me. As always, things seem to be pretty much the same. The one major difference is that the music, movies, shows, jokes, and general everyday things that I've been doing are different than almost everyone else I know here, so I'm constantly adjusting to conversation and inside jokes.
Main Point: I'm glad I live in Southern California right now, but I dont think I'd appreciate it nearly as much if I wasn't home for the holidays...and Im lucky enough to bring some of my favorite west coast things with me for a bit while I'm here.
Still not expecting any girls to come out of nowhere and suprise me so it should happen soon.
1. Getting into the car before it has heated up
2. Having to constantly change clothes upon entering and exiting buildings and cars
3. Adding another reason to the list of why I don't feel like exercising today
4. Once it's dark, you stay inside
5. Inclement weather driving
6. Iced coffee and cream are not viable solutions to any situation
7. The beach sucks
8. The only things to do inside are watch tv and eat
9. Getting out of the hot tub is almost not worth getting in
10. There are much more cold alcoholic beverages than there are warm ones.
Other than that, it's nice to be home for a short period of time. I am very quickly finding out that all the things I like about home are not geographically fixed to the area, so in theory one day they can come back to California with me. As always, things seem to be pretty much the same. The one major difference is that the music, movies, shows, jokes, and general everyday things that I've been doing are different than almost everyone else I know here, so I'm constantly adjusting to conversation and inside jokes.
Main Point: I'm glad I live in Southern California right now, but I dont think I'd appreciate it nearly as much if I wasn't home for the holidays...and Im lucky enough to bring some of my favorite west coast things with me for a bit while I'm here.
Still not expecting any girls to come out of nowhere and suprise me so it should happen soon.
Tuesday, 17 November 2009
Why I Love My Life
Thursday, November 19th- New Moon Midnight Showing
I dont expect this to be a good movie at all, but we get a theatre all to our own and I like to get caught up in hype.
Saturday, November 21st- San Diego Zoo Trip with possible behind the scenes tour
I've wanted to go to the San Diego Zoo for Quince years mas o menos! I love zoos, and I love animals!
Sunday, November 22nd- Tujunga Canyon Trip
Scout trip to a slot canyon tucked away in the mountains! Good people, no agenda.
Wednesday, November 25th- San Gorgonio Trip
Vivian Creek Trail 17.5 miles and 5500 ft. elevation gain.
Thursday, November 26th- Thanksgiving in 29 Palms
Great Friends, Great Food, Great Time!
Friday, November 27th-Sunday, November 29th- 3 day Sierras winter camping trip
My first trip up to Bishop and the evolution's! Three Days of snowy peaks, passes, and people!
Friday, November 4th-Monday, December 8th- Limfest in Salt Lake City
Weekend Celebration of my favorite Korean Roommate!!!! 40's, burittos, lube, puns, bananas, growlers, movie quotes, muse-ac, and beautiful people!
Saturday, December 12th-Sunday December 13th- Blauchfest in Joshua Tree
Weekend Celebration of my favorite african-american boss!!!! Tasty beer, classic dessert freezing evening temperatures, guitars, and good ol hippie fun!
Wednesday, December 16th- New York City
Eastern Standard Time for the first time in seven months! NYC means time to see the T Rex!!!!
Saturday, December 19th- Rhode Island
Home!
Friday, December 25th- Christmas
The day that I really really really really really really like to be with my family.
Saturday, December 26th- Watkin's Glen
Annual Trip to NoNew....York for my Aunt's Birthday and some time upstate.
Thursday, December 31st- New Year's in New York
Meeting up with CML and starting 2010 off right with a road trip baby!
I dont expect this to be a good movie at all, but we get a theatre all to our own and I like to get caught up in hype.
Saturday, November 21st- San Diego Zoo Trip with possible behind the scenes tour
I've wanted to go to the San Diego Zoo for Quince years mas o menos! I love zoos, and I love animals!
Sunday, November 22nd- Tujunga Canyon Trip
Scout trip to a slot canyon tucked away in the mountains! Good people, no agenda.
Wednesday, November 25th- San Gorgonio Trip
Vivian Creek Trail 17.5 miles and 5500 ft. elevation gain.
Thursday, November 26th- Thanksgiving in 29 Palms
Great Friends, Great Food, Great Time!
Friday, November 27th-Sunday, November 29th- 3 day Sierras winter camping trip
My first trip up to Bishop and the evolution's! Three Days of snowy peaks, passes, and people!
Friday, November 4th-Monday, December 8th- Limfest in Salt Lake City
Weekend Celebration of my favorite Korean Roommate!!!! 40's, burittos, lube, puns, bananas, growlers, movie quotes, muse-ac, and beautiful people!
Saturday, December 12th-Sunday December 13th- Blauchfest in Joshua Tree
Weekend Celebration of my favorite african-american boss!!!! Tasty beer, classic dessert freezing evening temperatures, guitars, and good ol hippie fun!
Wednesday, December 16th- New York City
Eastern Standard Time for the first time in seven months! NYC means time to see the T Rex!!!!
Saturday, December 19th- Rhode Island
Home!
Friday, December 25th- Christmas
The day that I really really really really really really like to be with my family.
Saturday, December 26th- Watkin's Glen
Annual Trip to NoNew....York for my Aunt's Birthday and some time upstate.
Thursday, December 31st- New Year's in New York
Meeting up with CML and starting 2010 off right with a road trip baby!
Monday, 14 September 2009
JMT 2010
"When you develop an infatuation for someone you always find a reason to believe that this is exactly the person for you. It doesn't need to be a good reason. Taking photographs of the night sky, for example. Now, in the long run, that's just the kind of dumb, irritating habit that would cause you to split up. But in the haze of infatuation, it's just what you've been searching for all these years." - The Beach
Ahhh the haze of infatuation. That really hit home. I continually find that falling in love is so much easier than actually loving someone. There's the natural explanation that new emotion is more exciting, and new people are interesting, and the honeymoon phase is based on an ability to overlook the little things and enjoy the moment. I think it has more to do with the idea that I've potentially found what I've been missing, or at the very least, something I want. It's not easy to get antsy or goofy about something or someone, but once there, it's blinding. Not the "love is blind" blinding. More of a "see only what you want to see" blinding.
Enter you find it when you're not looking. I've heard this a lot, but until recently haven't really understood how it would work. Now I think it has more to do with avoiding the 'see only what you want to see' blindness, which makes sense. If you take out the idea of finally finding what you've been missing all these years, you take out the pressure to idealize the emotions. And then you're free to do all those cliche's that you hear in movies like accept someone the way they are, or be yourself around them, or be completely honest. Basically you're free to love.
The only thing I don't like about this thought is that first glance it takes away the excitement and spark of something new. Ultimately, I think that's true, but I don't think it's necessarily the worst thing. There is a distinct difference between excitement over something new and excitement over something special That difference for me is that I do everything not to spoil something new (hide flaws, accentuate strengths, re-enact positive moments), where something special pushes me to chase the feeling, even if it means growing with it and opening myself up to make mistakes in the process.
...And that, to me, is love. Love is what pushes me to explore who I am. Love is my safety net when I need to take a chance. Love teaches me to appreciate the whole instead of emphasizing and ignoring certain parts. And most importantly, love keeps me patient. I am not searching for the one thing I've been missing because ultimately I have it in my life. But at the same time, the love that I have opens me up to accept it from others because I'm not looking for it. And at this one point in my life, that's the security I need to know that I'll find someone, maybe even when I least expect it.
Ahhh the haze of infatuation. That really hit home. I continually find that falling in love is so much easier than actually loving someone. There's the natural explanation that new emotion is more exciting, and new people are interesting, and the honeymoon phase is based on an ability to overlook the little things and enjoy the moment. I think it has more to do with the idea that I've potentially found what I've been missing, or at the very least, something I want. It's not easy to get antsy or goofy about something or someone, but once there, it's blinding. Not the "love is blind" blinding. More of a "see only what you want to see" blinding.
Enter you find it when you're not looking. I've heard this a lot, but until recently haven't really understood how it would work. Now I think it has more to do with avoiding the 'see only what you want to see' blindness, which makes sense. If you take out the idea of finally finding what you've been missing all these years, you take out the pressure to idealize the emotions. And then you're free to do all those cliche's that you hear in movies like accept someone the way they are, or be yourself around them, or be completely honest. Basically you're free to love.
The only thing I don't like about this thought is that first glance it takes away the excitement and spark of something new. Ultimately, I think that's true, but I don't think it's necessarily the worst thing. There is a distinct difference between excitement over something new and excitement over something special That difference for me is that I do everything not to spoil something new (hide flaws, accentuate strengths, re-enact positive moments), where something special pushes me to chase the feeling, even if it means growing with it and opening myself up to make mistakes in the process.
...And that, to me, is love. Love is what pushes me to explore who I am. Love is my safety net when I need to take a chance. Love teaches me to appreciate the whole instead of emphasizing and ignoring certain parts. And most importantly, love keeps me patient. I am not searching for the one thing I've been missing because ultimately I have it in my life. But at the same time, the love that I have opens me up to accept it from others because I'm not looking for it. And at this one point in my life, that's the security I need to know that I'll find someone, maybe even when I least expect it.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
10 Things That Would Make My Life Easier if Everyone Knew
1) If you're crossing a crosswalk and there are no cars coming, there's no need to push the crosswalk button in order to get the go ahead.
2) Winking is creepy...Always.
3) Handshakes are for interviews and first introductions. High Fives are for every other occasion.
4) More than 3 texts in one session merits an immediate phone call.
5) People in America should always walk on the right side of the sidewalk. Not on the left. Not in the middle.
6) Never complain about free food.
7) If you are walking by someone of the opposite sex, and you make eye contact, you have 3 seconds to start a conversation before you lose the right to claim that the other person was totally into you.
8) Once you've graduated college, you can only date people who can legally get a drink in public with you.
9) Any sport that doesn't offer scholarship money or a chance to go professional should not be taken too seriously.
10) Everyone in some way likes Emo music...Especially if they say they don't
2) Winking is creepy...Always.
3) Handshakes are for interviews and first introductions. High Fives are for every other occasion.
4) More than 3 texts in one session merits an immediate phone call.
5) People in America should always walk on the right side of the sidewalk. Not on the left. Not in the middle.
6) Never complain about free food.
7) If you are walking by someone of the opposite sex, and you make eye contact, you have 3 seconds to start a conversation before you lose the right to claim that the other person was totally into you.
8) Once you've graduated college, you can only date people who can legally get a drink in public with you.
9) Any sport that doesn't offer scholarship money or a chance to go professional should not be taken too seriously.
10) Everyone in some way likes Emo music...Especially if they say they don't
Sunday, 1 February 2009
Which Brew Are You?
Well the Opinionator is back in action, flying high amongst the intellectual future of our country. After a solid month of observation and interaction, I can pretty much sum up everything that you need to know about being in college (as both student and staff). Countless (due to lack of effort) hours have been spent poking, friending, drinking, facebook-stalking, intramural sporting, drinking, chillin, and drinking, and as a result, I bring to you the Quality of Education Four Star Rating (QuEFoStaR). QuEFiStaR is a scale for both Business and Social standing within any school system, and can be measured for both students and staff members alike, using a simple system that's no harder than shotgunning a beer or ordering a cup of coffee (unless it's from a chain).
ONE STAR
Students: (Boxed Beverages) These are your 30 racks of Natty Ice, PBR, or whatever you and your roommates can afford. While these canned concoctions are a means to a common end, the fact that they are interchangeable in a King's Cup and that the cost is comparable to the reward for recycling them puts consumers at the bottom of the totem pole. Odds are you're just happy that there's free alcohol to help you get through the semester, so you don't mind. This category also includes boxed wines (although if you remove the bag from inside the box, you maintain slightly more dignity).
Staff: (Boxed Beverages) These are your Box o' Joe's that you find in the lounge room at about 10:00 every morning. Sure the coffee is luke warm and a little chewy, but you aren't important enough to care about that. Odds are you're just happy that there's free caffeine to help you get through the work week, so you don't mind. This category also includes plain Lipton 500 count Tea Bags (although if they have the little pully string to avoid finger straining, you maintain slightly more dignity).
TWO STAR
Students: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents of a glass that says classy. Sure the actual glass may say Coors Light or High Life, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your beer, but while your can carrying compadres are playing with the tab, your snapping the bottle top, peeling off the label, and making fog horn noises with the open end. This category also includes Yellowtail, Jacob's Creek, and Arbor Mist wine bottles.
Staff: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents...etc. etc. Sure your glass mug may say FBI or World's Best Secretary, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your coffee, but while your Styrofoam Sucking Secretaries are writing their names in pen on their cup, you're holding your glass phrase side out, refilling from the coffee pot and leaving it to be washed out by the following morning. This category also includes pully string tea in a glass mug.
THREE STAR
Student: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at domestic craftsmanship the likes of Samuel Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Blue Moon. These beauties not only have alcohol, but claim that "hops" and "malts" are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth $3 for a bottle, than nothing is. This category also includes regional wines like Sonoma and Napa Valley, although nothing over $10 bottles.
Staff: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at the likes of Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Green Mountain. These beauties not only have a caffeine pick up, but claim that "roasted" and "blended" beans are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth your soul...I mean $3 a grande, than nothing is. This category also includes your Chai and Herbal Teas.
FOUR STAR
Students: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Pinnacle. How sweet it is to be on top. These beers are not only specialties and bottled, but also foreign. Beers like Franziskaner and Hoegaarden rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to say them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Friends will envy you, colleagues will admire you, and you can feel proud that you know a beer that most in your position can't pronounce, let alone appreciate. Look down upon those below you in rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes foreign wines like Chamblis de Elysses, Muessenberg Riesling, and Bona Venturi Chianti.
Staff: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Coffee Snobdom. How Viennese it is to be on top. These coffees are not only specially brewed with labels, but also hard to order. Beverages like Half-Caf Mocha Latte Double Shot Espressos and Midi Columbian Cinnamin Roasted Cafe de Creme rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to order them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Employees will envy you, Co-workers will admore you, and you can feel proud that you know your secretary didn't get to write down the full name and is going to struggle ordering your coffee in the morning. Look down upon those below your rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes Herbal Remedy Teas like Acai Blends and Yerba Mates.
Well there you have it. The drastic differences in structural levels between adolescence and adult life. Be careful not to jump ahead, for each step in this system provides lessons (like hangovers) and learning tools (like Gatorade). Keep in mind as you transition into adulthood that much like your days in college, what and how you drink really represents everything that is important about you. To abstain from the process is to abstain from life, but to embrace it is to take full advantage of your situation. Who knows, you may find that one day you have all the answers, just like me...
...Now what am I going to do for the rest of my graduate career...
Andrew
Certified Social Analyzer and the Opinionator
ONE STAR
Students: (Boxed Beverages) These are your 30 racks of Natty Ice, PBR, or whatever you and your roommates can afford. While these canned concoctions are a means to a common end, the fact that they are interchangeable in a King's Cup and that the cost is comparable to the reward for recycling them puts consumers at the bottom of the totem pole. Odds are you're just happy that there's free alcohol to help you get through the semester, so you don't mind. This category also includes boxed wines (although if you remove the bag from inside the box, you maintain slightly more dignity).
Staff: (Boxed Beverages) These are your Box o' Joe's that you find in the lounge room at about 10:00 every morning. Sure the coffee is luke warm and a little chewy, but you aren't important enough to care about that. Odds are you're just happy that there's free caffeine to help you get through the work week, so you don't mind. This category also includes plain Lipton 500 count Tea Bags (although if they have the little pully string to avoid finger straining, you maintain slightly more dignity).
TWO STAR
Students: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents of a glass that says classy. Sure the actual glass may say Coors Light or High Life, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your beer, but while your can carrying compadres are playing with the tab, your snapping the bottle top, peeling off the label, and making fog horn noises with the open end. This category also includes Yellowtail, Jacob's Creek, and Arbor Mist wine bottles.
Staff: (Glass One Stars) There's something about drinking the contents...etc. etc. Sure your glass mug may say FBI or World's Best Secretary, and you may not be able to taste the difference in your coffee, but while your Styrofoam Sucking Secretaries are writing their names in pen on their cup, you're holding your glass phrase side out, refilling from the coffee pot and leaving it to be washed out by the following morning. This category also includes pully string tea in a glass mug.
THREE STAR
Student: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at domestic craftsmanship the likes of Samuel Adams, Sierra Nevada, and Blue Moon. These beauties not only have alcohol, but claim that "hops" and "malts" are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth $3 for a bottle, than nothing is. This category also includes regional wines like Sonoma and Napa Valley, although nothing over $10 bottles.
Staff: (Specialty Brews) We have hit the point where your beverage costs more than a dollar a piece. You are now looking at the likes of Starbucks, Seattle's Best, and Green Mountain. These beauties not only have a caffeine pick up, but claim that "roasted" and "blended" beans are used to enhance taste and even cleanse the pallet. If that last sentence isn't worth your soul...I mean $3 a grande, than nothing is. This category also includes your Chai and Herbal Teas.
FOUR STAR
Students: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Pinnacle. How sweet it is to be on top. These beers are not only specialties and bottled, but also foreign. Beers like Franziskaner and Hoegaarden rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to say them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Friends will envy you, colleagues will admire you, and you can feel proud that you know a beer that most in your position can't pronounce, let alone appreciate. Look down upon those below you in rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes foreign wines like Chamblis de Elysses, Muessenberg Riesling, and Bona Venturi Chianti.
Staff: (Hard to Pronouncers) Hello Coffee Snobdom. How Viennese it is to be on top. These coffees are not only specially brewed with labels, but also hard to order. Beverages like Half-Caf Mocha Latte Double Shot Espressos and Midi Columbian Cinnamin Roasted Cafe de Creme rule this realm. Once you can afford them ($5+ a pop) and learn how to order them, you hold all the power you'll ever need. Employees will envy you, Co-workers will admore you, and you can feel proud that you know your secretary didn't get to write down the full name and is going to struggle ordering your coffee in the morning. Look down upon those below your rank, and fondly remember when you were unfortunate enough to be in their shoes. This includes Herbal Remedy Teas like Acai Blends and Yerba Mates.
Well there you have it. The drastic differences in structural levels between adolescence and adult life. Be careful not to jump ahead, for each step in this system provides lessons (like hangovers) and learning tools (like Gatorade). Keep in mind as you transition into adulthood that much like your days in college, what and how you drink really represents everything that is important about you. To abstain from the process is to abstain from life, but to embrace it is to take full advantage of your situation. Who knows, you may find that one day you have all the answers, just like me...
...Now what am I going to do for the rest of my graduate career...
Andrew
Certified Social Analyzer and the Opinionator
Saturday, 10 January 2009
Greenlands Indoor Programs Graduate Assistant
Well this week started a new page in the Opinionator's book. Since the book that is my life has already won countless awards from the Hugo and Nebula awards for science fiction/fantasy, to the Heisman Award for best all around college football performance, this new chapter is bound to be a winner. That said, welcome to this new chapter entitled: Greenlands Indoors Program Graduate Assistant.
My job here at the University is to promote the idea of indoor activity among the increasingly outdoor prone young adults that are attending Greenlands. I'm hoping to ignite a spark in these eager, active, adventurous college students and introduce the young American ideals of chillin', relaxin', and chillaxin'. The Indoor Programs strives to remove the fire from under these students ass' and replace it with a comfortable cushion or a car seat. We promote sedentary, limited lives that revolve around weekly television programs, driving 3-5 minutes to class, and drinking high quantities of alcohol.
I arrived at my new position to find a room full of student leaders watching this dank movie of some surfers shredding some serious gnar. Now in the hour I spent with them before they diverted their attention from the TV, I learned half the vocabulary used in the previous sentence (words like dank, shredding, serious, and gnar). I was some-what immediately welcomed to this community of laze, offered the corner cushion seat, and given my choice of movie. I learned that movies are not the only choice I had. TV on DVD, Documentary, and Indie Film also rule this program of the indoors (most of which have corresponding drinking games). Who knew all these options were right at the tip of my remote!
So I begin this chapter with subdued anticipation. Indoor Programs will not only provide me with a paycheck, but it will also open the doors of entertainment cabinets and cars just a short, level, walk away. More importantly, it will empower me with the ability to pass my knowledge on to an impressionable generation, ensuring that they will continue to respect the indoors and develop their interest well inside the gates of Greenlands. So here's to you Indoor Programs. May your guidance help me experience action, adventure, comedy, romance, drama, and sports all from the comfort of my home.
Andrew
Official Greenlands GA and the Opinionator
My job here at the University is to promote the idea of indoor activity among the increasingly outdoor prone young adults that are attending Greenlands. I'm hoping to ignite a spark in these eager, active, adventurous college students and introduce the young American ideals of chillin', relaxin', and chillaxin'. The Indoor Programs strives to remove the fire from under these students ass' and replace it with a comfortable cushion or a car seat. We promote sedentary, limited lives that revolve around weekly television programs, driving 3-5 minutes to class, and drinking high quantities of alcohol.
I arrived at my new position to find a room full of student leaders watching this dank movie of some surfers shredding some serious gnar. Now in the hour I spent with them before they diverted their attention from the TV, I learned half the vocabulary used in the previous sentence (words like dank, shredding, serious, and gnar). I was some-what immediately welcomed to this community of laze, offered the corner cushion seat, and given my choice of movie. I learned that movies are not the only choice I had. TV on DVD, Documentary, and Indie Film also rule this program of the indoors (most of which have corresponding drinking games). Who knew all these options were right at the tip of my remote!
So I begin this chapter with subdued anticipation. Indoor Programs will not only provide me with a paycheck, but it will also open the doors of entertainment cabinets and cars just a short, level, walk away. More importantly, it will empower me with the ability to pass my knowledge on to an impressionable generation, ensuring that they will continue to respect the indoors and develop their interest well inside the gates of Greenlands. So here's to you Indoor Programs. May your guidance help me experience action, adventure, comedy, romance, drama, and sports all from the comfort of my home.
Andrew
Official Greenlands GA and the Opinionator
Monday, 8 December 2008
The Best....Nope....Technical....Ummm....Only Jacket That Money Can Buy
Hello Ladies,
Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.
The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.
The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.
The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.
Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).
So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.
Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator
Are you 17 to 23 years old? Do you frequently find yourself in or around your school's campus? Do you live above the Mason/Dixon line (nothing to do with North Rd.)? If so, your soul is probably on the market for a North Face Denali Jacket.
The North Face has monopolized the market on fleece jackets, and the Denali fleece stands alone as Boardwalk and Park Place with a hotel each (Do Not Pass Go). If you own one, you're probably wearing it right now while sipping on a Natty Light and wondering what time Paris Hilton's new BFF is on. If you don't, you're irrelevant, as is your choice of beer and your evening television schedule. Lucky for you, the Opinionator is putting the (handsome) face in The North Face, and I'm here to get you into the jacket that's sweeping the young, impulsive, style over substance nation.
The Denali fleece boasts several features that make it unique. First there's the cost. In addition to you individuality and any shred of dignity you may have, the Denali will also strip you of $165.00 retail. This is what differentiates you from the scrubs. Obviously $165.00 is an absurd amount of money to pay for a fleece jacket, especially in a collapsing economy, so only those with excess cash to throw around in whimsical manners can afford such a gift. This separates you from those penny pusher hippies that use "re-use" and "good bargain" as excuses to be thrifty. Gross.
The second feature that the Denali boasts is the logo on the left chest pocket. The North Face logo let's others know that you're packing heat. Sure L.L. Bean is comfortable, and Columbia boasts stringent and rugged testing methods, but The North Face is owned by Vanity Fair, so you know it's quality outerwear. There's also the fact that the name itself is imposing. Denali is a mountain. A big mountain. The biggest mountain in North America. I mean that's pretty hardcore. People die on that mountain all the time (most of them from hypothermia while wearing the Denali fleece). That equates to automatic bad ass status. Put that in your calculator and graph it.
Finally, there's the fact that the Denali jacket has no true function as a cold weather, outerwear jacket. The Polartec Fleece material is warm but is neither wind nor waterproof. To counter that, The North Face uses a nylon shell to cover the shoulders and the upper back, because that's really the only part of a jacket that needs to be water and wind resistant. Unfortunately, the nylon isn't wind or water proof, so it tends to struggle in rain, snow, hail, sleet, wind, and temperatures below 40 degrees. Luckily for you, you have absolutely no plans to be outside in any of those conditions, as the jacket is best shown off when people aren't too preoccupied with inclement weather to envy it (and you!).
So there you have it (indoor) sports fans. The jacket of your dreams is only $165.00 dollars of your parents money away. Included is membership into whichever sorority matches the color you've decided on, a false sense of superiority, and a Dave Matthews Band CD. Keep it clean, and make sure your backpack straps don't cover the logo, and you'll be mistaken for 50 other girls with the same jacket on your campus before you know it.
Andrew
Retail Guide and the Opinionator
Monday, 1 December 2008
All I want for Christmas is Mila Kunis 2 CD's...
Dear Santa,
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
While the Opinionator isn't one to put his fate in another persons mittens, he's exhausted his other fictional benevolent option with prayer requests for Tom Brady's left knee, so you're all that he's got left. This year for Christmas, the Opinionator is looking for a soul mate. To save you time, a list of yes's and no's has been created. Simply find the yes's and ditch the no's and we can go on forgetting each other until I'm in need of higher being assistance again.
Yes: Physical attractiveness of greater than or equal to Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Physical attractiveness less than Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Cool, relaxed personallity of Mila Kunis' character in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: Uncool, tense personality of Sarah Marshall in Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Female nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
No: Male nudity greater than or equal to that shown in the film Forgetting Sarah Marshall
*Idiot "Never seen a Romantic Comedy" Spoiler Alert*
Yes: A dramatic moment in which all seems lost, followed by a chance encounter that reaffirms the devotion and meant-to-be-ness of the relationship, similar to the moment Mila Kunis' character has at the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No: A dramatic moment in which all seems reaffirmed and meant to be, followed by a chance encounter in which all is lost, similar to the moment Sarah Marshall has about 15 minutes before the end of Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Yes: Sex
No: Not Sex
Yes: Conversation that seems too natural to be scripted, yet too clever to be unscripted.
No: Skinny Jeans with Ugg Boots and a North Face Denali jacket.
Yes: Forgetting Sarah Marshall Unrated Version on DVD.
No: Forgetting Sarah Marshall theatrical version on TNT.
Thanks in advance for everything, and if I have any extra gift giving points available, please put all the rest towards the speedy recovery of Tom Brady's left knee.
Amen,
Andrew
Official Holiday Cheerer and the Opinionator
Wednesday, 5 November 2008
I Like Change, It Pays for Coffee
Well, well, well. Or should I say. "Yes, We, Can". Or maybe "Change, Change, Change". Or even "Block That Kick." The message may change, but the syllables remain. O-Bam-A. This is what it feels like to be proud of your country, to be part of an historic event, to have hope...
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
...Kind of feels the same. Today I woke up and watched my Dad go out of his way to bring my sister back to school, even though his schedule was tighter than Minnesota's Senate race. I then took off to Eastern M Sports (due to an increased number of UGG boots and designer "outdoor" apparel we can not legally say Mountain in our name) for my annual 2 month stint as a retail worker. After putting in my nine to five...minus four, I negotiated a trip back to my mom's house with my car (the car agreed, provided it didn't have to go above 55 on the highway) to settle down in the basement for the night.
As far as I can tell, I'm still paying taxes, I still don't have health care, the environment is still being destroyed, and I still live with my mom (that wasn't on the ballot?). In fact, the only change that I can see is that gay people can no longer get married in California. I thought this was an historic election, an sign our country is moving in the right direction finally, an chance to prove to ourselves and the to world that we will accept the responsibilities that come with being a great nation. I mean, we've finally voted the right person into office (third time's a charm), can we expect any more from ourselves than the sacrifices we've made over the past two years towards the change we believe in?
Yes We Can.
Just like our President-Elect, the hardest part has yet to come. Fox analysts will be the first to tell you that Obama has played the only card he has up his sleeve, and when it comes to getting things done, his growing pains will last just as long as the mid-80's ABC sitcom (8 years for those of us who didn't follow the Seaver family). Catchy campaign slogans and inspirational speeches will not bring about the changes that matter. So after hearing that, did we really elect the right guy?
Yes We Did.
What Fox doesn't get is that we don't support Obama because he has all the answers. We don't expect him to make our decisions for us. We don't need him to change our country by himself. We needed someone to put the ball back in our court. Someone to stop lying, stop disguising, stop spinning, and give us a little ownership and responsibility in the country we belong to. Someone to inspire us to give money for the first time, to cross state boundaries and campaign for the first time, to vote for the first time, to care enough for our future to do something about it for the first time. Barack Obama isn't going to single handedly change our country. But he's already inspired millions of Americans from every background to stand up and be the change we want to see in this world. He inspires each of us to ask ourselves how we can help, where can we make a difference, what can we do to be a change. He's opened a new door full of possibilities for all of us, and all he asks is will we follow his lead and step up to the challenges of the future?...
Andrew
Proud American
Tuesday, 7 October 2008
Move Over Tom Cruise's Character in Cocktail, Here Comes The Opinionator
So I'm going to Hollywood. The west is calling, and the Opinionator will answer the phone (unless he's sitting quite comfortably outside of phone answering range). While the east coast has been home to a lot of memories i.e. the first opinionator blog, and that one about the facebirthday, and that other one about superficial woman ranking, the west coast holds the key to the door that leads through the entrance room past the guest bathroom through the kitchen and into the living room of success. And success, my friends, will be found in the form of a bartender.
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
I know it's far-fetched. I know it's a pipe dream. I know everyone says that they're going to L.A. to make it big in bartending's biggest stage. But I am going to throw my bottle opener into the ice bucket, and see if I can't catch a lime wedge. I've had plenty of people say to me "Hey Opinionator, you're pretty good at pouring that glass of orange juice, you should try to make it in orange juice pouring", or "You just have the look of a bartender". How long am I supposed to hold this promising future back? How can I live with myself if I don't try?
Now as sure as I am of my big break in Cali, I am a realist. It could take day, maybe even days before I find my niche behind the pine. I may have to do some small budget acting, or even some day time TV show gigs while I'm waiting for my break. Hell, I may even meet the connections I need to hit the ground running in my bartending career while I'm acting. Maybe Megan Fox knows a good bar that needs a charasmatic man of words (and action) (but mostly words) (with equal parts action), that she can make a call to in between takes of our 2 hours love scene (that's right ladies). I'm sure that Will Smith can take time from his supporting role to my lead in my evening movie shoot to introduce me to his buddy Sal who owns the corner wine bar.
The point is that I can survive long enough as an emmy winning actor/writer/producer/executive director to catch the break I need to become the head barman in Hollywood. And once I do, I won't even make you say I told you so. You'll just have to be satisfied saying "I knew that guy when he was still making regular mojitos" as you watch my emmy/oscar/nobel peace prize side project show. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Andrew
Official Road Tripper and the Opinionator
Monday, 8 September 2008
Sand Cassells and Hype Dreams
Late round draft pick from a big time school. California born and bred. Promising size and skills, but demoted to back-up for most of his college career. Better career numbers in his senior year of high school than in college and the NFL combined. Never started a meaningful game in his life. Just waiting for his chance to step up and take the reigns on a team with an established star, and in one heart-stopping moment, he's thrust into the spotlight.
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Meet Matt Cassell: The Fourth Best Quarterback in the Country.
Why is he the fourth best? Two reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriots season since Ellis Hobbs Incredibly Incapable Iritator (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, He happened to back up the only three quarterbacks in the world who are better then him...until now!
Carson Palmer: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Matt Leinert: Heisman Trophy winner, professional Quarterback. Tom Brady: Man-God, Stetson Model, Comedian, TV/Movie Star, Three Time Super Bowl Champion, Two Time Superbowl MVP, Reigning League MVP, Record Holder, Mr. Giselle, professional Quarterback. Is Matt Cassell a career backup who has never started a game because he's just not that good, or is it just a matter of unfortunate chance that he has backed up the only three players in the universe who are better than him?
Meet The Opinionator: Former Desperate Patriots Fan
Why is he formerly desperate? Two Reasons. First, The Opinionator has been looking forward to the 2008 Patriot's season since Ellis Hobbs I can't believe I ever had faith in the Idiot (or III) fell trying to cover Plaxico Burress. Second, The Opinionator has found a sliver of hope to cling on to instead of thinking about a hit that shredded both a left ACL and any chance of another Patriots run at a Super Bowl.
So here comes Matt Cassell to save the day. Here comes another career back up, slipping onto the scene to carry the broken hearts of a nation. Here comes the new Tom Brady, begging you with subtle advertisements to try it out simply by clicking on the little link at the top of the page, only to find out that there isn't a choice at all, and in a few weeks they're going to continue the My Spacing of...quarterbacks by making the new Tom Brady the only option. Here comes another happy ending to what was potentially a catastrophic moment, and Phuket, it won't cost more than 5 Thai bahts...or so I've heard.
Andrew
Hope Holder and the Opinionator
Monday, 25 August 2008
Back for the Medal Round
Ahhhh the 29th Olympiad. While I preferred the 3rd and the 17th myself, the 29th (or XXIX in letter-numbers) had its moments. The Opinionator found several athletes in particular that displayed the admirable qualities of a champion, and of their countries. Jamaican sprinter Usain "Lightening Drill" Bolt solidified his place on the 2010 Jamaican bobsled team by running a 1.9235 second 220 ft. race (or something like that...The Opinionator was too busy imitating his victory pose to get the numbers quite right). Angel Valodia Matos of Cuba showed the restraint and poise of a "perfect on paper" nation by politely kicking his Tae Kwon Doe official in the face after being disqualified. After years of painfully long hours and merciless training, Michael Phelps claimed gold in 8 individual camera shots (including the emotional "my teammates almost blew the relay" shot and the tear jerking "I can't believe I almost lost because I got water in my goggles" slo-mo). Even the host country jumped on board, aided by a new scoring system that adds points for difficulty, subtracts points for mistakes, and awards medals for prepubescence, taking the gold in the under-12 gymnastics all-around medals.
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Now the Opinionator enjoyed these games, but that may be easier for him knowing that he could compete against, and probably beat most of the athletes with a little Hydroxysexymegacut XL and determination. Those of you without natural athletic abilities, or a kick ass blog were probably left with more of a bitter taste in your mouth. It is for you normies that the Opinionator is developing a new set of games, one more fitting of your natural talents. I call them: The Nolympics.
Nolympic Event 1: See Who Can Watch the Credits at the End of a Movie Without Moving to Reach the Remote and Turn It Off.
A test of patience and will power, this event was made for the at home, television audience. Odds are, you've been training since high school, and you're one Bourne Trilogy away from being in peak performing condition. For the elite performers, try continuing the event through the opening options looped DVD menu!
Nolympic Event 2: The Lord of the Rings Extended Edition Marathon
True, some Kenyan "olympian" can probably run 6 "olympic" marathons in the time it takes for you to complete one LOTR marathon, but doesn't that make yours harder? While he's enjoying some Gatorade and a nice energy bar, you're still wondering if Sam is ever going make a move on Frodo and what the best way to get out of disc 1 changing duty is. You might want to try training with the regular theatrical versions before attempting the extended edition marathon, as jumping right into unabridged scenes and original outtakes can cause injury.
Nolympic Event 3: The Triathlon
The Triathlon is a grueling measure of a humans endurance in three major events: Beer, Wine, and Liquor. To complete this event, the contestant must split the day into 3, 8 hour segments. During each segment, the contestant must maintain a steady level of inebriation on a specific drink, be it beer, wine, or liquor. While the levels differ slightly based on ability, Nolympic athletes must reach, and subsequently maintain a 5 deep level of stupor (or enough to prompt a conversation about that chick you did in high school). Training for this one is actually much better than the competition itself.
Nolympic Event 4: Mom, Where's the Meatloaf
This event involves a contestant and a middle aged, motherly teammate of the Nolympic committee's choice. The goal is to sit through a 14 episode disc set of "The Flight of the Conchords", and get your teammate to perform tasks that allow you to continuously watch each episode uninterruptedly. Scoring will be a combination of task difficulty (Ex/retrieving a bag of chips: 1.0 - carry urine to the toilet: 5.0) and completion (Ex/ teammate brings Cool Ranch, not Nacho Cheese: 7.5 - urine lands outside of designated container 0.3 deduction) After the episodes are completed, the scores are tallied, and the winner is determined.
These are just a few of the baker's dozens of events that are scheduled for the 2011 Summer Nolympics. Possible sites include Carol's Basement, that guy's house that Steve and Kyle house sat for last weekend, and Trenton, New Jersey. Before you run away with thoughts of training and visions of grandeur, remember that you've probably been doing most of these things for most of your life, and it may be time to give yourself a break. So go ahead and reheat some leftovers and pop in Jurassic Park III. After 17 days of watching other people push themselves to the limits, you've earned it.
Andrew
Official Nolympic Founding Father and the Opinionator
Saturday, 10 May 2008
Finding Nemo
Why did God give us two ears? Trick question. God voted to go with two extra mouths so that we could sing his praises while playing the harmonica and making out with Molly Popular. Unfortunately, he got vetoed, and we were forced to pursue single-mouthed activities instead. To punish us for ruining God's plan for three part harmony solo's, he invented things like Foreign Languages, Karaoke, and Nemo Music to offend our auditory receptors...and personally, I would rather listen to a Spaniard singing Sweet Caroline on Tuesday nights than Nemo Music.
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Nemo Music has swept the nation, herding tweenage sheep into a pattern of bad lyrics, bad haircuts, and bad attitudes. While Nemo used to be confined to the underground scene, now it's an in your face, mass produced, carbon copied trend.
It started innocently enough in the mid 90's with the Disney movie, "The Little Mermaid". Kids didn't quite know what they were getting themselves into when they sang along to classics like "Under the Sea" and "Part of that World". Simple things like putting on a phony Jamaican crab accent, or wearing a sea shell patterned bikini tops became popular. The seed was planted.
A decade of inactivity caused this feeding frenzy to settle back into a simple fad. Then it happened. Finding Nemo hit the theatres. Those Pre-Mo kids who got their gills wet by the Snorfblat and the Dinglehopper went crazy for anemones and Australian accented sea turtles. Hair styles quickly followed: Purple and blue like Dory, striped like Marlon. Slang terms like "talking whale" made added to the Nemo mentality. It was not uncommon to see a group of kids so "Nemo" that they would tuck their right arm in their T-shirt sleeves to emulate their Pop Culture star. The Nemo wave had hit.
With the popularity of the Nemo image rising, several lesser talented "copy-cat" acts followed. Within a year, Shark Tale and The Little Mermaid II were in theatres and what was once a talent based, underground, movement turned into an over-played, pop-infused, talentless, paycheck (that really didn't even have original scores). Every time I see a clown fish in a tank, I shed a tear for the hundreds of forgotten hermit crabs. But as long as it's cool, Nemo kids will ride the trend wave all the way to temporary popularity, just to catch the next one before it breaks. What else can you expect when the seaweed is always greener...
Andrew
Official Trend Setter and The Opinionator
Wednesday, 30 April 2008
Wait. Haven't We Been Winning for All of This Decade? Because I Think We Have!
The last few days haven't been the easiest for The Opinionator. My life hasn't exactly been "difficult" per say, but I have struggled to pull myself out of couch in the morning. I keep hearing words like ambition, and motivation, but I really can't be bothered to look the definition of either of them up so I find myself disambitioned and demotivated. What could cause this uncharacteristic lull in my exciting, wish you could be me, life? Well it's not a what...It's a who. Or to be more specific...a who (plural).
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
The culprits are none other than the Atlanta hawks, the Montreal canadiens, and the Tampa Bay devil rays. These three sports teams have put me in a state of 7:05 pm (1:30 day game) misery for the past fortnight (actual period of time unknown) and although they pretend to be oblivious, they know full well what they are doing.
The devil rays, for instance, have been the MLB's bottom feeders ever since Steve Irwin turned down their offer to play first base in order to film a diving expedition in the Great Barrier Reef (we all know who eventually won that dispute), and yet through a series of fluke lights out pitching, and timely sustained offense, managed to sweep the Boston Red Sox.
The hawks used a combination of headbands, home court referees, and alliterative shooting guards to even an opening round playoff series with the Boston Celtics. Furthermore, they are notoriously ugly, and the majority of them are college drop outs.
While some may argue that the canadiens committed the most atrocious crime, literally ending the Boston Bruins season, the combination of hockey ambivalence and a recent trip to Montreal (they can't even speak English there) helped me come to the conclusion that as American as hockey is, it's all those canadien bastards have going for them, and alleviated any residual malcontent towards our retarded cousins to the north.
Some may argue that Boston has been spoiled by the fruits of 5 championships in the past 7 years. While most cities struggle with off season blues, empty stadiums, and horrible clam chowder, New England boasts the best team (arguable only be the mentally disabled and women) in 4 leagues (MLB, NBA, NFL, MLS). But are the memories of what was, combined with the excitement of what is, along with the anticipation of what is still to come enough to cure the occasional losing streak blues?
Yup. They are.
Go Sox, Pats, Celts, Revs, and Bruins.
Andrew
Official Fan and The Opinionator
Monday, 28 April 2008
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
Reality Televised
8:00 am: America's Next Great Chef
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Good Morning. America's best up and coming chef's are matched up against each other to cook breakfast. Goat cheese and asparagus omelets, french crepes with a rich boysenberry sauce, Belgian waffles with fresh whipped cream and homemade blueberry syrup. Guaranteed to satisfy your morning craving as you eat your pop tart and Sunny D.
9:00 am: Big Brother
Ah yes. The roommates have just woken up. It was a late night for Stayciee and Mikeal, and previews told you that they may have been up in the hot tub well past their bed time. Sure enough, Mikeal isn't in his room this morning, and 35 minutes into the episode, night vision cameras replay Stayciee's room between 3:35 and 3:38 am (way to go Mikeal). You're going to have to write a witty email to him.
10:00 am: Big Brother UK
Oi. The flatmates have just finished their lie down. It was a wicked pisser last night for Mrs. Norris and Nigel, and the telly told you that they may have had a naughty tea party well past their curtain call. Sure enough, Nigel is in his skinnies and 35 metric minutes into the programme, evening cameras show Miss Norris' flat between 03.55 and 03.58 (jolly good Nigel). You're going to have to write a mischievous notice to him.
11:00 am: The Assistant
Well it's time for work. Not for you of course, but for the poor souls who are forced to do ridiculous tasks just to have a chance at a paycheck. Look at John, he has to go get coffee for the boss, but he can't remember whether it was a tall non-fat mocha latte with extra sugar or and orange juice. Man having a job must be hard.
12:00 pm: The Apprentice
Jim wasn't able to impress the Donald last week, but Marissa lost her cool and freaked out in the boardroom so he managed to stay in another week. What a good break, because you can relate to Jim (he's the guy who actually knows something about business, is some what presentable, and doesn't talk about people behind their back to a camera to be replayed at a later time), and therefore, you want him to land the big promotion. Unfortunately, he doesn't get the ratings that the crazy alcho/workaholic does, so at the end of the hour, You're Fired.
1:00pm: Fear Factor
You grab some food on your way home, and make it in time to watch Joe Rogan poke and prod his contestants. You sit down to your heat lamped MacDonald's burger and oil battered fries and laugh at the poor fitness trainer with the boob job as she chokes down those insects. Gross.
2:00 pm: Nanny 911
Getting fired means that you don't have to watch the next episode, and have time to critique the parenting skills of others. This episode, Nanny 911 is struggling to teach little Kevin not to bite Timmy, all while wrestling the kitchen knives away from Jenny. You realize how hard things must be for people who can't afford Nintendo DS or Ritalin, which reminds you at some point you have to pick up Johnny from school and stop at CVS to grab some meds and batteries to keep him busy.
3:00 pm: The Biggest Loser
Exercise time! This show always gets you fired up to get back into shape, even if it's during the only hour you would have free to exercise. Oh well! After watching some push ups, sprints, and a whole lot of sweating, you feel the back sweat against the sofa and figure you better go pick up the kid.
4:00 pm: The Simple Life
Babysitter's here. You leave Johnny with what's her face to watch his favorite show. You've already seen this episode. The unsuspecting parents leave their kids with Paris and Nicole for the evening specifically telling them not to watch crap on television and guess what they watch....Ha Ha Bitches!
5:00-8:00 pm: The Bachelor/Bachelorette, and Hell's Kitchen
It's date night. You head over to your date's house and settle down for a romantic three hour television date. The date starts with the Bachelor being forced to make out with each contestant individually for an entire hour. Your date turns toward you to make eye contact right as it's getting good, but you let them know you're busy watching TV. Your date microwaves two dinners as Gordon Ramsay starts swearing at the restaurant owner for no apparent reason. It's so funny when British people yell. Finally the Bachelorette comes on, and you get to watch as each guy makes his pitch as a sensitive, caring, gentleman as he ushers her into the hot tub. Man the dating process is so much fun.
9:00 pm: The Real World Spring Break Locations
After your busy day, you make it back home for a nice, quiet, early bedtime with those crazy 20 somethings in Cancuniforniaxico. Unfortunately, the openly gay roommate and the slut that keeps trying to convert him are drunk again, and they're going to keep you up until the episode is over. You're glad that you don't have Real problems like that.
But seriously...without Reality TV, how else would you know what real life is like?
Andrew
Official Real Person and The Opinionator
Friday, 11 April 2008
Happy Facebirthday
Well the culmination of facebook popularity is right around the corner. That's right, it is almost The Opinionator's facebirthday. The facenotification is small (click and you'll miss it), but in the corner of your facehome page, you'll be reminded that your facefriend will be celebrating his life's anniversary within the next three days. What does this facemean to you? It means you need to decide how important our facefriendship is. If you're concerned that three days isn't nearly enough time to evaluate a relationship, not to mention find the corresponding gesture to exemplify your feelings, than you are clearly unaware of The Opinionator's two favorite past times: Simplifying emotion and making lists.
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
(-*) Super Poke, Fun Wall, Invitation to join Entourage/Sports Team/Which Spice Girl Are You?: If you knew anything, anything at all about The Opinionator, you'd know he is the sworn enemy of the My Spacing of Facebook, and refuses to participate in that silliness.
(*) Poke me: It's simple, easy, and impersonal, like buying a card with a pre-written sentiment. The perfect facegift for those of you who may not be sure who I am, but need my facefriendship for numbers purposes only
(**) Send a cut and paste wall post: Like the poke, this easy to do message requires minimum effort, with at least some kind of a visible result. A suitable solution for old high school mates or those of you I met through a real friend. To complete the ** facebirthday wish, copy the phrase Happy Birthday! and paste it on my wall. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(***) Send a personalized wall post: By using the cut and paste phrase, as well as adding an additional sentence, you can show the birthday boy that not only do you match the insight of the 2 star facefriend, but you also prove that you're not a robot by adding a bit of personalized flair. Good call for those of you who have interacted with The Opinionator within the past 12-18 months. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page.
(****) Send a personalized wall post of more than one paragraph: This is the mother load of facewall options, combining face time with personalization and one-upsmanship. You will prove your merit as a facefriend, while demoralizing those who chose lesser options. Manageable only for close friends with somewhat recent interaction, or those of you ladies who've been waiting for the perfect time to share you're true feelings. Added bonus: You'll get some face time on my page...and maybe a date.
(*****) Poke, wall post, and message: The Divine Trinity of facebirthday wishes combines all that is faceholy to pay homage to His Birthdayness. The poke must be within the facebirthday hours, the message must be a minimum of three sentences to verify true facefriendship, and the message must involve a suggestion for a future meeting outside of the cyber-world. Not for the faint of heart, this gift of words is wrapped with a ribbon of emotion and sealed with a bow of promise, ensuring that your well wishes reach beyond the facebook walls and into The Opinionator's faceheart. Added bonus: You'll get some face time, you'll get your date, and if you're lucky, you'll get a poke from The Opinionator on your facebirthday.
Andrew
Facebook Member and The Opinionator
Monday, 7 April 2008
Fantasy Baseball
Do you remember the first time you got to first base? Of course you do, and for most of you this memory took place away from the baseball field, unless the only place with some privacy happened to be the high school parking lot. Same goes for your first trip to second, third, and hopefully the first time you scored. Whether you've played baseball or not, odds are you've found yourself at the plate, trying to figure out a way to get in the game. Luckily for you, The Opinionator has a play by play game-plan to get you on base instead of constantly striking out.
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
A quick refresher to start:
First Base: A trip to Make Out Point
Second Base: Welcome to Boobtown
Third Base: Going Down Under without the jet lag or airfare
Home Run: The best 2 to 5 minutes of your life...just kidding ladies
Now for the common ballplayer, the baseball references end there. But for the big league star, the four bases are just the beginning. For example, there are many ways to get to first base.
The Hit: The hit is a carefully approached play, in which time and effort is put in to get the kiss.
The Bunt: The bunt is only successful if it catches her by surprise, and you're quick enough to get to first base before she can react. A high risk strategy.
The Walk: The walk means that you have the patience to foul off her out pitches, and as a result, have earned a trip to first base.
The Intentional Walk: The intentional walk is when she knows you're capable of hitting a home run, so she lets you get to first base, hoping that's as far as you'll go.
There are also extra base hits to consider. For example:
The Ground Rule Double: The GRD is when you have played the game well, but aren't allowed to get any further than second base. Not to be confused with hitting the cycle.
The Home Run: The home run involves a brief stop at each base on your way to the main focus of scoring.
Once you're on, there are also ways to advance to the next base. For example:
The Steal: The steal is when you see an in and feel like you can get an extra base without being tagged out.
The Balk/Error: Both of these moves are when she makes a mistake (like calling you her ex boyfriend's name) and grants you one extra base free.
The Sacrifice Bunt: The Sac Bunt is when a friend of yours assumes wing man role and sacrifices his chance of getting on base to help you advance past first base.
The Sacrifice Fly: The Sac Fly achieves the same result as the Sac Bunt, only your wing man didn't necessarily want to lose his chance of being on base, but got involuntarily shut down.
While these tools can help you achieve record numbers, the opponent has plenty of tools at her disposal as well. For Example:
The Strikeout: You step up to the plate, you have every intention of getting on base, but she makes you look stupid and shuts you down.
The Ground/Fly Out: You make a move towards first but are called out before you can reach the bag.
The Stretch: You get to first safely, but you get tagged out trying to stretch your single into a double, forcing you back to the bench.
The Pickoff: You're on first, but get caught looking to down her shir...i mean looking at second and are tagged out, forcing you back to the bench.
The Double Play: You're on first base, but your wing man manages to do something so stupid that both of you end up being called out, sending you back to the bench.
The Outfield Assist: You're on your way to the next base, but her teammate (usually the ugly one) manages to cock block you out of the game.
With this knowledge, you'll be buying her peanuts and crackerjacks before she can say play ball. A little off season training, and you'll be on base so often, Billy Beane will offer you first round money to move to Oakland. Just remember that the best girls are from Boston, the worst are from New York, and Derek Jeter sucks, and before you know it, you'll be making your own baseball fantasy.
Andrew,
Official DH and The Opinionator
Wednesday, 2 April 2008
I Got a Fever, and the Only Remedy is Environmental Change
April showers bring an end to my ski season...I'm sweating through my shirt. Speaking of supermarkets, never shop for a girl on an empty stomach or eat dates during a dry spell. You'll either find yourself in the can or on the can. In related news, never claim ownership of metaphors that the Opinionator clearly came up with first (I'm talking to you Talon Crayola).
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
Back to my sweat stained shirt. I've done some mid-day internet browsing out of boredom the past few afternoons and found myself likening the experience to being forced to watch Hannah Montana in black and white...in a sauna...while in a coma. There is absolutely nothing to do this time of year in southern New England. My hand forced, I double clicked my attention to the New England sports capital of the world...Craig's List Boston (sub-section: tickets). Unfortunately every Red Sox, Celtic, and Bruin (not a misprint...Bruin) ticket had a higher price than Hannah Montana when she was bid on for a charity auction in Season 2.
Next it was a series of increasingly desperate searches that pushed me north of the Massachusetts border, into the snow covered, inclement weathered, snowboarding haven that is Vermont and New Hampshire. Unfortunately, this heat wave not only has me digging through old storage boxes for my good Hawaiian shirts, but it's also turned about 60% of New England's best ski routes into mudslides, sans Kahlua. Mooses Are Sweating People! and I want to go snowboarding! I went so far as to check our "retarded cousin relegated to a cage in the attic" up north, Maine, in search of proper winter conditions. After several phone calls I discovered two very disturbing things: That Maine is no longer a sure thing when it comes to snowboarding, and that Julie "The Cat' Gaffney doesn't actually live in Bangor (and Gaffney's in general do not like to be called by strangers).
My point is simple. Polar Bears are drowning because of the increased distance between sheet ice and glaciers. I know what the conservatives say, that global warming and climate change are natural, that higher temperatures can be the result of many other things, and that humans can control our climate if our resources are ever compromised, but all I know is that I'm hotter than Jessica Alba in a Red Sox jersey, and I could use a little climate manipulation at some point.
Andrew
Climatolologist (still) and the Opinionator
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